HI, its been a rough day.  Rob stayed home as things just kept going down hill.  Jamari has cried basically the whole day.  I had contractions most of the day.  Not hard enough to do anything to my cervix, just enough to make it hard to function.   Rob and I have talked and talked and talked and prayed about what to do with Jamari, and we're not getting any answers.   We are both at the end of our ropes physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I have started a second site here This is my blog for Jamari.  I'm hoping for my sanity it will give me a bit of peace.   Your welcome to read, or not to read.  I'd appreciate all prayer. 

OOOPS I think the link will work now.

Good morning.  It was the worlds longest night last night.  Sleeping was apparently highly over rated by the babies.  Jamari was up two or three times and Kaylin twice.  Kaylin thought that she should nurse all night long.  She's been night weaned for months.  *sigh*

My contractions started back up....apparently I over did it.    The morning adventure I was fine....I think we should have stopped there   Last night we left the babies at grandma's and took the big kids and my 3 youngest sisters to Back to Neverland.  I started getting contractions about 3/4's of the way through the movie, just too much walking & sitting.   Oh well, their not super painful, just annoying.   And would be easier to deal with if my children had actually slept last night.  The babies had a riot at Grandma's house, but then I think they needed to make sure all night long that we hadn't abandoned them or something.  We haven't......

DH and I were also bad and stayed up late last night.  He reading Harry Potter.....and I watching the Olympics.  I got sucked into the Women's Bobsledding...and it was a good race.  The team that was the favorite didn't even place, (the #1 American team)  But an American team did win and Vinetta Flowers became the first African American to win a gold medal at the Olympics     It was a very cool race.   Even dh put his book down to watch the second run.  LOL

Back to Neverland was quite good and we all enjoyed it 

Father God, I ask for your strength for today.  I ask that Jamari would be happy, and not throw a temper tantrum, I just don't have the mental stamina to cope with one today.  I ask for the energy to enjoy my kids today, and the grace to know when to STOP.  In your sons name, Amen

The motley crew

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Good morning.  Well dh cured the dizzy's yesterday FINALLY.  I remembered the dizzy's from last pregnancy, but it took me awhile to remember the cure LOL  CAFFEINE.  In small amounts it can be a very good thing.  So he made me a single shot mocha (MMMMMM MMMMMMM MMMMMMM)  And it was a marvelous cure.   Dizzy's went bye-bye  

I have been contraction free for so long (over a week)  that I got brave yesterday and we went for a VERY short walk with the jogger.  It was sooooooooooo nice   The picture on the top is all of us checking out our favorite spot "The CREEK".  Its not a very fancy creek, but it DOES have fish in it, and every so often when we hit this spot on the walk we find them.  Which of course is the high light of the kids walk  

Typically Zeria walks, but yesterday she asked if she could ride in the jogger, so she squished in too.  LOL 

My ever so clean hubby in this picture was busy doing many around the yard tasks yesterday which is why he looks like something the cat dragged in.  

Our date night last night was well...intresting.  Its been our sworn DUTY to NEVER fight or discuss bad things on our date night.  No matter what has occured before we leave.  We flunked last night.  But we needed to flunk.    We needed to have a discussion that didn't always stay polite.  He & I both needed to get things off our chest, and we needed to do it where the kids couldn't here it kwim?  So we did, and though it wasn't fun at all....it did end up resolving most issues.  (I sincerly hope). 

It accomplished several things.  I went and bought a bunch of paper bowls & 24 extra spoons so the dishes don't need to be done as often.  He just runs out of time on certain days.  This way if he runs out of time he doesn't feel guilty for not getting it done.  And he has time to sit.  He just hasn't had time for himself, and it was frustrating both of us.    Last pregnancy we lived off paper practically not quite sure why we forgot this time.    He has agreed that after the kids are in bed for the night NO work will be done.  This is "our" time.  He can use it either for sitting, jogging, computering etc.  Oh yeah and snuggling too     It is going to be very very very hard for him to put this into practice, as he's a MAJOR workaholic, but I so hope he does, as he's just getting worn down, and I'm tired of waiting all evening for him to notice he has a wife. 

Today as I'm still feeling good, we are gonna have a spur of the moment adventure with the munchkins.  We'll see how it goes.  We are gonna go window shopping in our downtown area.  We want to hit the Bible bookstore for sure, and just see how much energy I have from there.   We NEVER go down there, so it should be fun, and our downtown is quite pretty.  See how this adventure goes. hehehe.    This adventure was part of the discussion, we've just forgotten how to have fun.  We used to take one day a week for "adventures" and lately, its just been push, push, push (for him)  and its getting old.    For both of us.  It takes the joy out of life kwim? 

Father God, I thank you that we finally were able to talk.  I pray that things would work out in a way that honors you.  I ask for us all to have fun today, and that we would enjoy you, in your sons name, Amen

Mornin'

I'm here, so are my kids dh too

Kaylin woke up at 5:45 screaming.

Sucked on me as long as I could stand it (30 minutes) 

Then cuddled with daddy on the couch

Rest of the kids were up at 6:45

I joined them up at 7:20

They woke up hyper & screaming.

I woke up dizzy, come to think of it I went to bed that way.

Dizzy and screaming happy kids don't mix very well.

I went back to bed at 9:00

I fell asleep the instant my head hit the pillow something I haven't done in months (it usually takes me at least 15 minutes to get to sleep)

I slept 2 hours, and I'm STILL sleepy.

I woke up and when and pruned my roses, LONG over due, and non-stressful to my body......

I snapped at dh.

Its the perfect day to putter around the yard, and the ONLY job I could justify doing I did.  And he can putter all day, and its just not fair.

I'm still dizzy.

I may go right back to bed...its safer there for all of my family.

Tonight is supposed to be our date night....do you think our baby sitter would mind watching our kids while we slept in our bedroom   And y es, I do mean sleep...not allowed to do anything else. 

I ate 6 dove promises...they didn't make the dizzy go away

I can't get into my favorite BB, and I don't have the mental capacity to chat.

I called Harry Potter  Tarry Potter this morning, I could NOT come up with the right words.....my dh thought this immensely funny.

I had him take my blood pressure...its fine, I'm just well LOOOPY. 

I have a good idea that this is exactly what being drunk feels like.....

I think I'll come back and delete this blog later...as its kinda scarey *grin*

Good morning.....I'm currently slogging through Numbers which btw is so NOT my favorite book of the Bible LOL....But I was struck by this thought from Numbers 11...."¹The people soon began to complain to the LORD about their hardships; and when the LORD heard them, his anger blazed against them."

When your kids start whining how do you respond.  Oh I'm sure it just thrills you with joy.  NOT!  Well God is the exact same way....he gets angry when we complain. 

In the commentary that went with the reading they reminded me of a verse in Hebrews that says something to the extent that if you have food & clothing be content.  (Sorry no reference right now) 

And it struck me when I look at the air holes in my house to the outside...I should be greatful I have a roof that keeps me dry.  When I look at my 100 year old wood floor with all the dings & scratches, I should be glad I HAVE a floor.

When I look at my screaming child I should be greatful that I have children   As many such as AlexiaH are unable to have them from their womb.  And I have been blessed by having them that way, and by raising someone elses children as well. 

When I want to ring my hubby's scrawny little neck for something that he left undone or unsaid...I should be greatful for ALL the things he does do. 

Now the question comes in here...if I take these attitudes does it mean that I should never take my troubles to God?  NO definitely it does NOT mean that.

INSTEAD of complaining about those problems however, I should be saying.....My child is screaming God...could you show me why?  And help me to fix the problem.    My house is cold Lord, could you give us the ability to warm it up.  etc, etc

As I mentioned yesterday I find the verse James 1:4 so incredibly comforting.  "If any of you lacks wisdom let him ASK God who gives generously to all WITHOUT finding fault."    God's not gonna say to me hey you dummy, I showed you how to deal with this problem yesterday, and the day before and the day before   He WILL give wisdom and he will do it without finding fault. 

Case in point.  My first month with Jamari was HELL.  I'm sorry it was.  I hid a lot of it, as I just didn't want you to know the feelings I felt in dealing with him.   God put too people in my life who understood WHERE I was coming from.  My mom & my midwife.  My mom because she has a child who was given to her when the timing didn't seem "right" to her...and has struggled.  The midwife well because guess what??  She has adopted children too.   And she had one who didn't bond quickly with her.  And allowed me to vent at an appointment without condemnation.  BTW I don't think that was in her job description   And go figure when I first met this midwife I didn't like her much, but she gave me sanity when I needed it the most.   

Anyhow this week Jamari digressed.  And Thursday night found him screaming for 2 hours.  Now mind you it wasn't the 4 hours he screamed the first month, but it was still hard.  And I was exhausted and convinced once again he hated me etc, etc etc.  And yes, I was angry at him...and the momentary thought flits across my mind that "you should just go back from where you came from"  (Of course I would NEVER do that...but it was still there for a second.)    And Friday I was just exhausted from dealing with Thursday.  All I did was sleep & stare, stare & sleep.  And crawled into my own little world of misery.  I went to bed at 7:30 at night and slept the whole night with only getting up twice...a MAJOR accomplishment when your 30 weeks prego     And as I crawled into bed that night I remembered my verse from James once again and prayed HARD about how to deal with Jamari. 

Claimed the verse about wisdom and said well God you said it SO prove it   Not necessarily the best way to pray but it works LOL

Well yesterday Jamari woke up happy and stayed happy all day.  He was sweet and back to his personality that he had had before this week.  He even made some improvements in that he came over to me asking for stuff which up until this point he has not done. 

I didn't ask God to give Jamari a personality change, I asked for the wisdom to deal with him....but God gave me a miracle instead   And I'm not complaining    At the moment he is standing by my chair smiling & banging on me.  A first!!!  He's played around me, but not with me unless I initiate it...today he initiated.   Baby steps.....and God's answered prayer

Bonding with Jamari reminds me of learning to nurse Kaylin.  Two steps forward one step back.  And kaylin and I struggled for over 10.5 months before we completely figured it out and learned to do it with joy.  And yep I leaned on God HARD.  But you know what I treasure the time with Kaylin SOOO much more because I WORKED for it, rather then it coming naturally.  So I know that Jamari & I will have a special relationship different from any of my other children because we've had to work so stinking hard to get this far.   

Oh and I'm so glad he's little and we're doing this now instead of when he's a teenager lol.  Cause he's still cute

Father God, I thank you for the attitude change in Jamari and for the baby steps he continues to take in deciding that I'm safe and I am mom.  I ask for your continued wisdom in dealing with each member of my family.  And KNOW that you are indeed the truely wise one.    I ask for energy for Rob today, and strength for me in your sons name amen

Found a new toy while surfing xanga Thanks to Craktpot

Won't you come and sign my map & put your dot where you live.      And you can easily add one to your xanga site too if you want the directions are very simple.    ENJOY 

I found myself struggling with my children this week.  They've had headaches & a teensy bit of flu bug.  Not enough to make them sick, just enough to make them meltdown everytime their told no, they think they might be told no, and any time anybody else crosses them in the slightest. 

Many times this week it has resulted in 3 kiddos (at the least) sobbing heartbroken tears at the same time.  Has made for an extremely long week.  To top it off of course I've reached the part of my pregnancy where you get up to go to the bathroom like every hour and a half, so I'm running on empty.

Last night I actually only woke up twice, which still kinda amazes me, but this morning I feel dehydrated which means the REASON I didn't wake up, is I didn't drink enough yesterday.  Guess that not drinking is not an option lol.

Anyhow all this to say....I'm struggling to see anything in any of my kids that I like hehehe.....including the fact that I'm currently typing this blog with Kaylin on my lap.  She whines to get down...I lift her up to put her down, and she screams until I pick her back up.  Guess what its only 7:58 in the morning......gonna be a LONG day especially as Rob isn't home until almost 4:00 tonight.   So...this blog is FOR ME.  And I need to remind myself of the things I love about each of my children.  If you want to read go ahead....otherwise move along I won't be offended

Zeria;  Zeria is my helper.  She's always willing to pitch in and excited to find ways to be a part.  She gets very peeved when I tell her a job is too hard for her.  She loves all of her baby brothers & sisters, and is 98% of the time very gentle with them.  I love making her smile it melts my heart.  And she is definitely my snuggle baby. 

Samuel;  His enthusiasm for life.  He is constantly enthusiastic about something.  And telling it to all of us at the top of his lungs. hehehe.   He loves to give quick hugs, and say I love you mom...or his latest in all seriousnes....MOM, I like you   He is my finder in the house.  If its missing he knows where it is...shoot he's probably the one who made it go missing~~but we won't go there k   Under all of his boyish ways he has the most gentle spirit that can be crushed very quickly.

Kaylin;  Kaylin is "my" baby.  Yes, Jamari is younger, but Kaylin is my first child from my womb.  So this has a special signifigance.  And as she is still nursing we have a bond that way, that is unique and different from my other kids.  She is my curious George.  She has explored things none of my other kids have even considering exploring. hehehe.  And is always so excited when she finds a new treasure.  She at 23 months is also my neat nick.  She doesn't like things where they don't belong.  If she finds the wet wipes on the floor she likes to return them to the table they "live" on. 

Jamari.  Jamari is harder for me to write about.  He's still new.  I've only had him since December 8th.  And the bonding process with him has been so difficult.  I think the biggest moment for me right now his true joy in playing peek-a-boo.  If nothing else will distract him that will, and it might even bring a smile.   He can be very snuggly when he decides, and it is so precious to hold him when he is like that. 

I love my children, and I'm so greatful to God for them.  Especially now that Kaylin is semi-happy playing on the floor   I have to admit however that the thought of adding number 5 in a couple months is beyond over whelming.  So I constantly am turning to God for wisdom, patience etc.  My theme verse right now is..."If any of you lack wisdom let him ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault."  Every time I'm completely exasperated with Jamari or others, and the tried and true methods that worked to calm him down last time don't work....and I'm ready to completely loose it God reminds me ask me for help.  And he gives me a small victory to help me hold on a little longer. 

I think, hope, and pray...that because the two of us have struggled so hard in learning the ropes that this will bring a stronger bond in the long run.  Sure know that its brought me closer to God.  LOL

Father God, thank you for my children in who I am so proud, and can get so exasperated with.  I ask that you give me the strength for today.  Do not let me panic and look to tomorrow, but focus on today.  I ask that you will help me to endure in spite of the cramps I'm feeling today, and the exhaustion.  I ask for wisdom in dealing with each of my cranky kids, and the wisdom to know what is best for the munchkins who are not necessarly feeling good.  I pray for Rob too who is starting to drag as well, that you will give him an easy day at work today, and the encouragement to keep struggling on.  In your sons name, Amen

Good morning.  Its a lazy day today.  I have the option of going to town, and wandering around (on my own)  Or going back to bed and staying there as long as I want.  Did I mention I LOVE my hubby~~he gives me this option every Friday, and man is it a life saver.  The insanity that is my life, would be so hard to cope with if it weren't for him. 

When blogging about my engagement, I started thinking about the other times that romance went afoul in our lives.  So today we have....

The First Kiss

We had known each other for 9 years, and only exchanged a couple hugs.  When he announced he was moving up here...I was hoping that would change.  LOL  So after a lovely dinner and a nice talk beside my lovely warm fire.  He decided to head out for the night.  In the past this had always meant a hug.  I assumed that was what was gonna happen this time.  So went to hug him.  He assumed he was gonna exchange our first kiss.  But as I couldn't read his mind...we headed together and I managed to knock his glasses off as he went for my face  

I was like...oh I'm so sorry.  And we kinda laughed.  And then he said...."I was trying to kiss you."  (with frustration in his voice)  "I said,  oh well we can try again then can't we."    Now as I'd been very shy about all of this I'm still trying to figure out how I got the courage to say that.  ROFL    So he muttered embarassedly...ok.

He swooped in we had a very demure peck.  And then he took 3 steps out my front door and WIPED out on the deck.  I started laughing.  He said..."Well, if this is the way its gonna go when we kiss, maybe we shouldn't kiss until we get married."  I laughed and informed him otherwise.  And we sure did master that art quickly.  ROFL 

But you know what?  For all the times romance went a little well screwy...it sure makes for good memories   

I could tell you about our first Valentines Day we celebrated....where he bought me the first card he could find with a heart on it...........and it said Happy  Birthday.  LOL  (I guess he didn't realize he had to read them.   So He crossed out happy birthday, tore out the inside...and Wrote something like...."Well Happy Valentines Day...even if I do think its full of prunes & pazardus.  (A inside joke).  I still have that card lol.

How about our second Valentines Day.  I was on bedrest with Kaylin in my womb.  We had left our couch behind at the apartment as it died.  So I was laying on a twin size mattress on the floor.  He decided even though we were quite broke he was gonna go to the Salvation Army etc and find me a couch.  Oh and he found me one.  It was orange & yellow roses.  The UGLIEST colors you've ever seen.   I managed to hide the tears until after he went back to my moms to return the truck he picked it up with.   My mom snuck over and helped me find the "good" in it ROFL...and when I got off bed-rest we spray painted it mauve.  And it still sits in my living room today.  It is actually the worlds most comfortable couch, if not for the lovely color it started out to be. 

And our third Valentines DAy????  Well he was gonna do it up good.  We actually had money this time.  So he hired a babysitter.  Rented a motel room.  Left a trail of roses in it.  Sparkling Cider.  And packed my clothes.  He kidnapped me in jeans & sweat shirt.  I got there and went to get out my clothes so we could go to one of the nicest restaurants in town...and well the black jumper he packed me was DIRTY on the front.    ROFL   I did manage to NOT cry this time...snicker.  And figured out the jumper was just a teensy bit low if I switched it so the dirt was in the back.  And put my jacket over the dirt.   (and being low didn't hurt Rob's feelings at all  snicker)   We did have a pretty good evening, and that was the only hitch.

This year Valentines Day went off normally.  Roses, and a saphire pendant.  And you know what?? it was a bit boring too.  LOL  So  I don't think I'll complain about the disasters anymore

Father God, I thank you for spontenaity in life, and I ask that you will help me to find the humour in life, and not panic when things go wrong.  I thank you for this day, and for all you are going to do for us in it.    I ask for you calm spirit in my life.  In your sons name, Amen

Good morning.  and Happy Valentines Day.  My dh got a lovely pair of binoculars that he will have a lot of fun with.  And is enjoying taking with him to work as he drives along the beach etc.  (I couldn't wait and gave them to him Monday night lol) 

He however did have patience and waited until this morning to give me a necklace that matches my wedding ring.  (A sapphire)  I hate diamonds, and requested saphire instead lol...much to his eternal disappointment.

I did my scrapbook page for the day we got engaged.  Won't show it because its got too many words, and very little pictures.  But seemed today was appropriate to blog about. 

We got engaged the middle of January.  (I think lol)  I know I have the date written somewhere, but am NOT in the mood to find it snicker.  How unromantic can you get

We knew we were going to before Christmas...but Rob had to get his finances in order etc.  So together (without kids)  we went ring shopping.  And as the ring had to be sized he said he'd pick it up and then give it to me someway "special"

The day he came back from Seattle it was in.  So we went and picked it up.  He made me stay in the car with the babies, and was gone a LONG time.  He came back with a big bag.  That I knew didn't just have the ring in it lol.

So then he drove out to the end of the Ediz Hook a natural water spit.  (I had told him I thought the ocean was a nice place to propose)  We sat there watching the water for a long time and he says...."Well, you've been so good, I'll give you this."  And pulled out a ceramic mouse.  I laughed, and he started driving. 

Keep in mind here...I've been waiting over 9 years for him to propose...and my patience has reached an all time LOW!  lol

So we drove about 20 minutes to the top of a foot hill with a gorgeous view.  The babies had fallen asleep so we got out and walked around staying in view of the car.  A road that was NOT normally open was opened, and he decided he wanted to see what was up there.  (BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD Decision)  We get back in the car.  (still hasn't given me the ring)  And he starts up the hill.  Well half way up the hill is a cable across the road.  It is VERy steep and there is NO place to turn around.  So he starts backing down the hill.  It is a dangerous back up job.  Steep ditch on one side...and 500 feet to the bottom (or more) on the other.  He slowly backs INTO the ditch and a HUGE stump.  I holler stop as I see he's about to reach the point of no return.  He stops, gets out & looks.  We are stuck.  There are 3 men with pickups less then 25 feet down the road...do we go ask them for help???  NO!  We have a cell-phone do we call for help?? NO!  We get into the Honda & goose it.  Now when he had stopped there was NO damage done to the car.  But when he goosed it he pulled the bumper off and scraped the fender.  Doing $2500 worth of damage to the bumper.

The romantic mood is GONE!

He slinks the car back to my house which is now empty as I've moved out (long story)  and we take a look at the "improvements"  that had just been done.  We then head to my parents where I was now living.   Stopping first at the laundromat.  He looks into his bag and pulls out a package with what I'm assuming is a flower in it and says here this is because you've been so good, and heads to get his laundry.  I say thank you, but don't look until after he leaves.  While he's in the store I look.  Well there's a nice bundle of baby's breathe, and ferns but no flower.  HMMMMM I start looking back where the bag was.  The rose had broke.  There it is about a 2 inch long stem. 

I know how sick Rob is because of his impulsive decision that wrecked his car.  And I'm NOT gonna tell him about the rose.  So I "tack" it onto the top of the bundle of flowers, and say thank you its beautiful when he gets back into the car.

We head home eat lunch.  Rob doesn't want to take his car any where else.   So we tuck the kids into bed, hand my parents the baby monitor and decide to take a walk to my parents pond.   (I'm desperately hoping that he's gonna give me the ring--knowing its now in his pocket)  He says, yes, he'll give it to me soon the bag is now empty. 

We head out to be followed by my dog & my parents 2 dogs, AND my sister and her friend on their ponys.  *sigh*  We do everything we can think of to ditch them, they won't be ditched.  We kiss a ton (usually that groses them out)  but they just follow us.  Gotta love the romantic mood set here.

Finally we climb over a fence and head to my neighbours pond.  The pony's can't follow us there, the dogs, can but thats tolerable.  The pony's & girls sit watching us from about 40 feet away.   But its as "private" as we're gonna get.  We walk out on to this little dock.  And he starts talking and talking, and talking.  Finally I start bugging for the ring.   He ignores me.  LOL

Okay I've had it with being polite, respectable and patient,  I said.  Hey, you give me that ring or I'm gonna push you into the pond.     He says, wellllllllllllllll I was wanting to wait to go back to your parents pond.  I said NO!  LOL  So he got down on one knee and did the deed   And of COURSE I said yes.  ROFL 

We headed back to the house to relieve my parents of the baby monitor and show them the ring.  My sil & bro are there now too, so we show everybody the ring.  And find out that unbeknowst to us my little brother & his friend had been hiding in bushes less then 5 feet from us when Rob proposed.  ROFL 

O well I have the ring now...I ain't gonna complain too loudly  

That night we did take go out for a lovely candel lit dinner and had a truely romantic dinner while my parents baby sat.  So the whole day wasn't a bomb.  And we spent the next almost year saving up money to fix that poor Honda.     

We were married before it was fixed however.  About 3 months later in the middle of May

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh I have a confession to make.  My kids & I watched Baywatch this afternoon.  It was the most relaxing hour.  LOL  Jamari cuddled in my arms, and Kaylin sat on my legs.  She actually watched it for over half an hour.  And she normally won't watch any form of tv.    Did I just corrupt my kids for life???