September 1, 2008
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epiphany
Sometime in the last two days Rob helped me have an epiphany. Look I even spelled it right!
On Thursday night I spent a nice long time on the phone with my best friend from college. We live way way way too far apart these days, and live different lives.
But she joined xanga several years ago, and so we keep some contact, but the phone...that is so much nicer. And it was wonderful.
I was talking about some of the stuff we talked about, and sorting through things in my head that made me think. When I mentioned dad and lonesomeness, and I said. "I want to feel bad about how lonesome he is, but he made the choice and its a natural consequence of the choice he made."
Rob nodded his head and added. "Yes, his lonesomeness, and the lonesomeness of others."
And suddenly it just made so much sense to me.
It doesn't make me angrier at my dad, because he's responsible for the rift with my mom, or the fact she's too busy to come out here. It just makes me realize that I don't have to feel guilty when I can't meet his lonesome needs. I can't...and its not my responsibility.
I can offer him companionship sometimes via the phone. And the rest of the time I can remain guilt free when he calls on one of the three nights a week that Rob is home and I refuse to pick up. He knows Rob's schedule...its been the same since Rainee was born. If he doesn't know it, it confirms his selfishness. He does NOT need to call Friday-Sunday night.
Of course its his most lonesome time due to no family at home. But that is NOT my responsibility. That's between my dad and God.
On other fronts Rob and I rediscussed how much time my dad will be allowed to spend out here when parole finally lets him be around children under the age of 12. And it will be 2x a month. This every weekend and sometime twice in one weekend thing has gotta go. We need family time, time to vedge, time to do household projects, time to hike, time to read, time to do laundry. (eww laundry)
I told Rob. "I need you to be the one that tells dad that, I can't handle it right now." He nodded his head and said he would. Its so nice to schluff stuff off on the head of the house every once in a five year period.
So a little of my guilt absolves and life moves on.
I continue to hit refresh on the weather channel, and watch Gustav, and pray God's will.
Comments (3)
Guess what!?! You just matured even more! It took me a long time to realize I wasn't responsible for the happiness of others. Once I reached that decision things got easier for me. I have had to relearn that lesson several times. You can't take care of the world/family etc. I told Wil just recently that we had better get along and be there for each other because we are the only ones we can count on in the big picture. I'm going to be 64 this mo. and I'm still "getting it" from time to time. Rob is a jewel for taking care of your dad for you. Good for him!
That is one of the hardest things to learn. Take care of yourself first is another hard one. I think it is excellent that you are getting this all figured out well in advance of him being allowed to be around your kids. Keep your chin up and remember that you are a tough lady that will be okay no matter what. It may not feel that way, but you are.
I loved our chat too! It feels so good to connect by "voice".
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