February 13, 2005
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Grace.
People don't allow me it so often. And some days I find it hard to allow it to people.
Definition of grace I'm writing this from? Undeserved favor.
This being said. I'm a chicken.
I don't want to know what people *honestly* think about me. Because I'm so frickin' hard on myself I couldn't take it anymore.
And yet....
people think I have it together. Which is really quite hysterical.
Mostly I'm this close to falling apart in 500 bazillion pieces that could never be picked up and put back together.
And somehow....for the most part....people don't see that.
Is it a fault that I don't allow it to be seen? Or my salvation.
I was talking a long time to someone who is rapidly fitting into the a close tight corner of people I call close friends.
I once told her off, and she wasn't offended. She came right back and said I was right. And kept coming back.
And when we were discussing wether I was out-spoken she was good and gave me a different perspective. "ARe you really that outspoken? Or are people just idiots." I believe was her exact comment. Funny, rather similar to what my husband said.
I tolerate a LOT from a LOT of people. But they don't see that. They don't see how many times I swallow my words or run away. I'm so tired of running.
I've been scared by entirely too many people in too many arenas and denied myself the right to friendship because they intimidated me. The confidence they oozed, and their I'm right attitude made me run for the hills.
And now I find...they were running in the opposite direction.
Running, absolutely get nobody no where. And denies you the posibility for what could be a awesome friendship if you were willing to stand still.
I'm desperately hoping to be done running. I stood still for Rob. It was the hardest thing I ever did. And the rewards have been incredible.
I imagine so many terrible things that *could* happen that I run away rather then discussing how I feel when things are bothering me. Because I'm afraid that would offend and cause them to run. The result is still running.
Is this making any sense? Probably not. But I *think* it is to me. How convincing is that??
Continuing to evaluate life. Hopefully for the rest of my life. Always changing always growing....even if it isn't visible on the outside.
For *me* the song that fits right now is...
"He's still working on me, to make me what I ought to be. It took him just a week to make the moon and stars, the sun and earth, and jupiter, and Mars, how loving and patient he must be, cause he's still working on me."
Comments (3)
Good blog...and I won't tell why I was laughing at one point.
But what has kept me from running when I really want to (and I have, including at times involved Dh as well like you said) was reminding myself that in the long run, I will be worst off by running then the temporary "discomfort" of dealing with things when they need to be. Of course at first saying and doing were 2 entirely different things, but with time the doing became easier with practice.
Notice I said EASIER, not easy. LOL
I know how you feel somewhat. I'm a runner, too.
:sunny:
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