Month: November 2003

  • Here I am…


    The idiot who keeps complainign about how tired she is, and believe me I’m tired.  And yet I have insomnia. 


    Bangs head on computer.


    Too many things swirling through my head.


    Information overload. 


    I really meant the exasperated sentence about catching a break.   And I’m just bordering on pity-party mode. 


    Of course I’m PMSing which just plain doesn’t help.  *snigger*   And of course theirs the fear that I’m NOT PMSing…and the question of how stupid am I for not being on birth control right now?  And then theirs the trust issue, in that DH and I both chose for now to trust God to keep our sterile…and for 18 months he has.  But God has a really funny idea as to what we can handle.  Personally I would have thought the camels back shoulda broke oh say about 15 months ago.  *snigger*


    One little tiny baby step at a time. 


    If you skimmed or skipped this song the last time I posted it.  (two days ago)  I’m putting it up again.  Its haunting me right now. 


    When you feel like the stars have stopped shining,

    and the sun just can’t reach where you are, 

    and when you’re feeling afraid and forgotten

    like you’re left all alone in the dark,

    its so easy to say there’s a God up in heaven,

    but sometimes He’s so hard to see.

    But yet I have found if we just learn to trust Him.

    He’s got everything we could need.

     

    chorus;

    If we had God’s eyes and could see to forever,

    we’d never have to struggle to believe.

    We’d understand why and in all of our questions,

    we’d know what the answers would be.

    But we have faith enough to know God is always in control

    when we can’t see the forest for the trees. 

     

    There are times when we wait and we wonder

    and we question the sound of His call.

    In the silence we learn how to listen,

    and we find He’s been there through it all.

    He’s longing to lead us from where we are waiting.

    He wants us to reach out our hands.

    And with every step we’re a little bit closer

    to all that the Father has planned. 

     

    chorus


    If we had God’s eyes and could see to forever,

    we’d never have to struggle to believe.

    We’d understand why and in all of our questions,

    we’d know what the answers would be.

    But we have faith enough to know God is always in control

    when we can’t see the forest for the trees. 

     

    Check out the second verse.  He WANTS us to reach out our hands.  (picture a child learning to walk, do you want them to fall?  Oh no you want them to look to you for help)  And with every step we’re a little bit closer to all that the Father has planned. 

     

    Okay, I don’t understand the plan.  It looks like a 5,000 piece puzzle all the same color.  BLACK.   And I suck a puzzles.  But Father God, I’m choosing to hold on.  I’m giving you my exhaustion, unfolded laundry, unfinished house, homeschooling, lack of sleep, unhealthy body, its yours.  Show me how to put the puzzle together into a working plan.  One step, at a time.  Amen!

     

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    And then theirs this random thought.  Do you ever look at a friend.  And say….”I can fix their life.  They just need this one little piece of their puzzle, and everything would function so much better.  If they only forgave so & so, or paid this & that bill, or went for counselling, I mean really its so easy to see how to fix it why don’t they?”  Have you said that before?  I have.  I do.  I did. 

     

    Do you ever wonder which piece of the puzzle your friend is holding over your head saying…”I could fix that for you, if you only did this or so?”   I wish a friend would hand me a piece to my puzzle, and help me see a bit bigger piece of the picture.  And I pray so hard, that I don’t have a blind spot,  that my eyes are open enough to see the right piece of the puzzle, and I’m not being harsh, or unforgiving, or needing something that seems  so obvious to someone else.  Soooooooooooooo here’s your open invitation.   Unless of course you gave up on this meandering blog about 20 minutes ago.

     

    Do you see a piece to my puzzle that I’m missing?  Something that I haven’t done, or should do that would make things easier in my life?  If you do let me know….I might not listen at first, but I really would like some help.   I mean it. 

     

  • Its a great life if you don’t weaken….


    *snicker*


    Well, Rob and I talked some more.  And then I called my mom and asked for her wisdom.  And then we called the company that provides the nurse and registered are concerns.  The head lady called the nurse, the nurse said she wasn’t drinking—what else is she gonna say?  And Rob and I just decided we weren’t willing to deal with it.


    She was nice,   but I can’t risk my family.  I can’t.  I won’t.  And maybe I freaked over nothing, but I feel very very peaceful about the decision we made.   Sometimes when you make a decision theirs lots of what ifs?  But this one was just right.


    And we’ve decided that the nurse was a good idea, but well it didn’t work.  LOL  The company would find us another one…their looking right now.  But I told Rob to call tomorrow and just cancel.   I’m not getting more sleep this way.  They won’t give her a treatment without waking me.  If the machinery doesn’t work, they wake me.  If she’s crying too hard they wake me.   Soooooooooooooooooo what is their job?  To wake me….hey I wake myself up all on my own min.  (Kaylin’s expression)


    Sooooooo plan two strikes out.  Anyone got a good plan three????


    ~~~~~~~~~~~


    Took Sam to Seattle.  He’s getting the umbelical hernia surgery…


    Next Friday.  (Pulls hair and panics) 


    When do we get a break?  What does a break look like? 


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~


    On the plus side,  Rainee stayed at my moms all day today, and oh was that lovely.  A drive to Seattle without a screaming bug.  And it was just the two boys and I, and we had lots of fun, and it was so special to get one-on-one time with them.    It almost felt like a break with the exception of course that their was EIGHT hours of driving involved in it. 

  • Guess what?  Lifejust got way way way more confusing. 


    The nurse


    You know the one who was suppose to get me more sleep.


    UMmm,  she’s a very nice lady.


    And seems quite carrying.


    But well when she showed up last night.


    She stunk.


    Now, as you all know I’m rather a prude.  So, I’m not real trained in identifying strange stinks.  Rather like Jen, Jeff and the “tomato plant”


    But I’m 99% sure I recognized this smell…………..alchohol.  She stunk bad.  And from about five feet away you could smell the semi sweet-semi rotten smell.   


    She was talking to me while I was getting Rainee calmed down, and was talking rather slow.  And then she stopped and said.  “I’m sorry, I got a new retainer.”  It was then I noticed her words were rather umm slurred.   


    She seemed alert, but needless to say I was rather freaked, and all too entirely floored.  I went into my bedroom, but didn’t sleep much.  


    I called DH at work, and we talked, and talked, but no solutions.  I can’t prove it.  I was too chicken to ask her.  What do I do?


    Oh, and at 2:30 am I had to get up and fix something.  (long story)  and she was still slurring, but the smell was mostly gone.


    And by 6:00 am she was talking normal…if it was a retainer wouldn’t she still be slurring?


    And what am I supposed to do?  I don’t want to slur a nice lady if I’m wrong……

  • Its been a day.


    Had tons of fun posting. 


    Rainee is sick.  Not as sick as she has been in the past, but nonetheless sick.  And really thinks that all she should do is be held.  She nursed at one point for almost 2 hours.  Its a good thing all I was planning on doing today anyhow was sitting at the computer.  *snicker*


    Kids and I had a lovely game of cops & robbers, or cowboys and indians, although I suppose that game isn’t p/c any more is it?  Anyhow Jamari was riding the rocking horse, and Zeria the bouncy horse, and they were running from bad guys.  Zeria took her finger gun and shot me, and I got all dramatic and fell to the floor (gently ROFL).  They thought this was all rather hysterical, and everybody had to try it at least 3x.    Violent?  probably, Fun?  Definitely.  And I needed a good tustle with my kids.   Jamari came over and gently beat me up fake-punching me.  Rainee thought this was quite fascinating and came and repeated it.   Get down on the floor with your kids, its very refreshing!  And reminds you your kids are fun to be with, not just one mess after another. 


    And now my brain is dead.  Too much computer time today I suppose LOL. 

  • So have lots of things I could blog about.  *giggles*  I could blog about ALL of my kids calling the frost outside frosting.  I told them that it was frost, which comes from the ground being cold.  And frosting was what you put on cake.  And then Zeria and I had a lovely pretend game of how cool it would be if the frost *was* frosting.


    I had a lovely chuckle over Jen’s snow snakes.  Kids are great!  And most of the time they keep me laughing, of course except when their cutting up documents with their scissors.  *snort*  Speaking of which their weeks restriction from all craft projects is up.  Do I HAVE to return their stuff?  The house has been so less messy. 


    BUT, I’d like to go off on a different tangent.  I typed this up for a friend yesterday, and wanted to share it with everybody.


    When you feel like the stars have stopped shining,

    and the sun just can’t reach where you are, 

    and when you’re feeling afraid and forgotten

    like you’re left all alone in the dark,

    its so easy to say there’s a God up in heaven,

    but sometimes He’s so hard to see.

    But yet I have found if we just learn to trust Him.

    He’s got everything we could need.

     

    chorus;

    If we had God’s eyes and could see to forever,

    we’d never have to struggle to believe.

    We’d understand why and in all of our questions,

    we’d know what the answers would be.

    But we have faith enough to know God is always in control

    when we can’t see the forest for the trees. 

     

    There are times when we wait and we wonder

    and we question the sound of His call.

    In the silence we learn how to listen,

    and we find He’s been there through it all.

    He’s longing to lead us from where we are waiting.

    He wants us to reach out our hands.

    And with every step we’re a little bit closer

    to all that the Father has planned. 

     

    chorus


    If we had God’s eyes and could see to forever,

    we’d never have to struggle to believe.

    We’d understand why and in all of our questions,

    we’d know what the answers would be.

    But we have faith enough to know God is always in control

    when we can’t see the forest for the trees. 

     

    I think only one person got What was the happiest day in my life question right.    Which suprised me.  I’m gonna have to go back in my archives and find a special blog about meeting my husband and our courtship.  LOL  But anyhow digressing again.  This song is one of the songs my children are singing in their childrens musical.  But the words are incredibly powerful.  So many times when we’re buried in the depths of a struggle we can’t see.  We can’t see more then a step beyond us, and we’re terrified of just taking that one step.

     

    In 1989 I left college.  I *thought* I was going home for two years of work, and then on to the mission field.  I had a friend I loved.  I *thought* God had told me someday we would marry.  It was rather hard to believe, as we lived 800 miles apart, and all we had was a rather plutonic letter writing friendship.  Life went on.  I made choices.  A lot of them were very lonely choices.  But I chose to honor God, not persue other men, and stay close to my family.  A lot of that period sucked.  BIG TIME.   My sanity during that time was my five new brothers and sisters.  I loved them, and we played together a lot.  I pretended I was their mom entirely too often.  And for many practical reasons I basically was.   I bought a house, I hated it, and moved back home.  I bought a second house closer to home, and in the community I loved.   (the house I still own)  I moved in, got my kids.  But life was so desperately lonely.  I had no soul mate, nobody to confide my joys, the giggles over the stupid things my kids did, and he smiles my babies made.   And nobody to hold me in the dark when I was scared.  No one to pick up the pieces when I was falling apart.   

     

    For ten years I was  alone except for God.  And I had to trust him that the direction he had pointed me was the right one.  And trust me I was quite convinced I was crazy to wait for Rob so long.     So were ALL my friends.  *giggles* 

     

    Two friends were actually praying that I find a husband.  They didn’t know about Rob.  I kept my own community very much in the dark about Rob.  I just couldn’t confide in the secret I held so deeply to my heart.  My college friends knew, but not my ‘local’ friends. 

     

    And then one day my friend called.  He’d kept himself pure, he’d waited, he’d even been almost engaged, but nothing had been right.  For ten years his mother had been praying for me.  And we’d only met once for less then 24 hours.    He’d visited my kids and I briefly and a week later he called to say, he’d researched Seattle, had a job interview, and wanted to move closer so he could see if we actually had something.   He got my answering machine.  *snicker*

     

    He essentially proposed to it.  ROFL   I called him back when I finally listened to my messages…and said yes…..to HIS answering machine!!!   We played telephone tag for three days before we actually talked in person.  He came up for the interview, found another place two places to interview, and took one of the three jobs.  He’s a nurse, theirs a shortage, it’s fairly easy to get work.    We talked on the phone 4 hours at a time long distance…our poor poor telephone bills.  And he moved up the first of December.  He proposed in reality a month later, and we were married by May. 

     

    He was my happiest moment of my life.  He fulfilled my loneliness.  And is the gentlest, most caring man I’ve ever met.  I’m constantly amazed at what he’s willing to put up with, and how much he loves me.  I so don’t deserve Him. 

     

    And for ten long lonely years I didn’t think I was gonna get him.  But God saw through the trees in the forest, and said hang on your gonna make it.   And we did. 

     

    And our life may be hard, and we may be exhausted, but we know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God brought us here, and God can carry us through. 

     

  • what a beautiful day outside.  Frickin’ cold.  But beautiful


    Bought cupboards yesterday.  And spent $100 on a outfit for each kiddo, plus one for my sister whose name I drew for Christmas.  Averaged to be $15 a outfit.  These will be for them for Christmas.  Got them all at Factory 2 U.  Kaylin and Zeria will be sporting lovely blue jeans jackets/jeans/shirts come Christmas day.   They are soooooooo sweet with fleece on the sleeves and collar, and embroidered flowers on the front of the jacket.  And only $15 for the works.    Do I have to wait ’til Christmas???


    Now I have to wait ’til next weekend for Rob to install the cupboards.  UGH.  I have junk everywhere in the meantime.  Christmas stuff, summer clothes, you name it its lurking ready to spring. 


    Oh Ro?  Well I have something for you.  *giggles*  Watch your backside. 


                                                         

  • Of all the things to be attatched to…my daughter is currently bonded with a hair brush.  #$@*(&#@)(*(  And it catches my fuzzy sweater, and it bangs my face, and well, hair brush a pain.  *snicker*


    Going shopping, being baaaaad girl and skipping church.  Haven’t done that in a long, long time.  Gotta get some pre-fab storage of some sort to replace what we lost when we cut the size of the junk/laundry room down by half.  Rainee now has a 8×10 bedroom.  Its rocked on the outside but not the inside.  And no door.  Gotta git that today or tomorrow.  Currently a quilt is a door,  which is fine too, happens a lot around here.  hehehe


    Misty gave me a pressie last night…now will xanga let me upload it??  Now the real issue is how do I extricate Lucien from being a captured slave.  *giggles*  Somebody umm kidnapped him and walked off a board with him without asking.   snicker.  He’s just that kind of a charrie.  And wow is this picture appropriate for my ‘bad guy’


                       


    Doesn’t he just make you want to take a bath????


    So should I bring him to the wedding???  ROFL  He could help kidnap Cat.  ROFL 


    Okay I’ll be good now.  And apologize to my none r/p friends for that little interlude.   Lucien is my bad guy.  He’s a slave lord, and just rather nasty.    I don’t write him ’cause I like him, I write him ’cause storys need a bad guy.   And had to see if I could *do* a bad guy.  I can…*snicker*  Even if he’s a bit of a fumbling idiot at the same time.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Okay heads to see if anybody’s playing this morning.  And then to find socks as its too cold to wear berks without them today, and then to admire the snow on the foothills, that was nice enough to *not* land on my own grass.

  • The well made plans of mice and men…


    Well that statement fits us today.  I *thought* I was gonna wake up and go for a leisurely Christmas shopping expedition, and have a nice break from my family.


    At four am this morning Rainee Grace woke up screaming cold blooded murder.   We went and got her, and found her icy cold.  We were afraid this was gonna be a problem as our laundry room which she is sleeping in is NOT insulated, and is cold, but we hoped with enough blankets it would work, or maybe we just plain didn’t think.  Anyhow, she was cold,  It took a long time to warm her up, and she was up for the day.  We felt like heels.  Sooooo this morning the project we’d been talking about, but not wanting to do took priority.  What is this?  Making Rainee a bedroom.    We had the space, just didn’t want to buy the stuff, or do the #$@*( project.  So today I went into town ate a quick breaky, and went and bought the stuff needed, and Rob has spent the rest of the day putting up walls.  Its not his thing, he can do it, but its slooooooooow going.   And I keep hearing umm growling coming from their.  


    As a result of this decision ALL of the junk that was stored their has to be restored somewhere else.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  I tried to par some of the gunk down, but couldn’t figure out what.  Already pared it down to the bare minimum.  Besides getting rid of books which wouldn’t make enough difference we’re hurting.  So, I think tomorrow, or the next day or so gonna be making a run to Silverdale to get some cupboards for more storage.    I’m gonna make the cupboards in a box shape so theirs cupboards on all side, and the top will be my laundry table.  I’ve been dreaming of this, but it hadn’t been a priority.  It is now.  *snigger*  Have Christmas decorations sitting on the kitchen counter.


    *dreams* of a garage….. *snicker*


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    On other fronts Halloween was fun.  I took the kids downtown and we went trick-or-treating.  All the merchants open their stores for 2.5 hours.  It was fun, and fun to see all the munchies and their costumes.  I did this by myself, and the kids were quite good, except for the half a block which I LOST Jamari.  Yep lost.   So I grabbed two friendly looking moms who watched the other four, and weaved through all the trick-and-treaters looking for one little black gorilla.  Found him crying in a grandma’s arms who’d seen his panic.  Each child apparently has to do this once.   Taught him a good lesson though…’cause he wouldn’t get more then two feet from me the rest of the day.  *snigger*  Soooooooooo greatful to the grandma!!!!


    Have a trick-treat picture, but haven’t uploaded it yet.  So later.