May 24, 2003

• Good morning

  
  

  Its 5:40 am.  (EWWWWWWW)  On a Saturday.  (EWWWWW)  What has the world come to.

  
  

  Well I held Rainee Grace most of the night.  And she woke up every 45 minutes or so all night long and then sucked on me for a good 15 each time, or flailed me with her arms.  And this time when she *FINALLY* let me put her down and I could see sun,  I decided I'd fought the war with the bed and the bed won.  I couldn't take it any longer.

  
  

  So a few minutes to myself,  and my Dew.

  
  

  The kiddos are upstairs singing, and its kinda purdy.  But they are NOT coming down and disturbing my "quiet".  I NEED a bit of quiet.  LOL

  
  

  So yesterday the kids came into the bedroom when I was getting ready to take a nap.  And daddy started shoing them out.  "Your mother needs a kid break."  He said quite firmly.  The two oldest started giggling.  And HD said.  "Mommy's a mother????"  (picture incredulous voice here.   DH of course gave him a strange look and said yes.  So then the two oldest began to sing.  "Mommy's a mother, mommy's a mother, mommy's a mother."   HMMMM  wondering where they've been for the last five years ROFL.   OR scarier yet.  Wondering what they think a *mother* is.  *giggles*

  
  

  I've been chatting online again.  I'd forgotten how to turn AIM on.  I'm enjoying it and enjoying getting to know new people. 

  
  

  But its also reminded me how hard it is to see the tone of voice that goes with the words.  And the struggle to not be offended by something that would normally not offend you.   I love the internet as a media voice, but it has such potential for hurt feelings as well.  And that grieves me.  

  
  

  I'm watching two different internet relationships from the outside getting hurt badly.  And its sad.  And I've been there.  And I have NO contact with the person I went through something similar with.   I wonder so often how she's doing, and yet I burned one too many bridges.  And at the time it seemed so right, and now I'm wondering why I did it.   Maybe if I'd been more patient or kept my mouth shut more I could have made it work.  I wish I had figured out how to make it work.  Because the alternative of a severed friendship is really ICKY!    I've learned now that very little of my beliefs in life are worth ending a friendship over.  And I can agree to disagree much easier as a result.    But I also know how quick and easy it is to decide you just can't take it any more, and that is so sad. 

  
  

  Okay moving on to less depressing subjects. 

  
  

  My walk with God has been shaky at best since Rainee's last diagnosis.   Too busy, and too angry.  But last night I finally TRUELY prayed and things are moving forward.  He carried me for the last couple months, I know he did.  And now maybe God and I can work on a relationship again, instead of me only bellowing when I was desperate.

  
  

  My mom is taking my kiddos again today.  Its the third weekend in a row.  A HUGE part of me feels incredibly guilty as I'm "not able to take care of my own".  The other part of me is too tired to argue with her.  *sigh*  I guess I'll do it this one last week, and then my sister should be available again, and I'll figure out where to go from there.

  
  

  Father God,  I'm sorry I left you out of my blogs for so long.  I need to baby step back into a relationship with you.  I ask for wisdom for this day, and for my children to enjoy their grandma today and not pick up bad habits from the "big" kids at her house.  I lift up my friends pregnancy, and ask that her fears are unfounded.  And I pray for me that I would get the sleep I need to function.  In your sons name,  Amen

  • 8:57 am
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