November 27, 2002
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Good morning
I supposed we could entitle this blog confessions.
First of all I have struggled a lot with emotions while being sick with this bug. I have not been accepting of what God put on my plate. Okay I've been down right angry about it.
Something along the lines of....if God felt fit to give me a plate full with my kids being the ages they are, and their health conditions, don't ya think he could have kept me healthy? whine, whine, whine.
I KNEW it was a wrong attitude, but couldn't get past it.
I'm almost past the tude. And continuing to pray with it.
Second confession...I keep going off my paxil. And it hasn't been pretty. Yesterday I went into hysterics over the fact that I couldn't get something to work on the computer. and yes I mean hysterics. Fortunately my kids were sent upstairs at the beginning of the hysterics, and fortunately my dh didn't say a word just let me be hysterical and waited me out. (VERY VERY VERY WISE MAN)
When I came down off the ceiling.......I did some heavy thinking. And it wasn't fun. I also had a nice long chat with a net friend who also deals with depression, and was raised in a house with depression. And she helped me think too. Thanks friend!!!!
Anyhoo so last night when the house was quiet, I talked with Rob and confessed that I had AGAIN gone of the #$@*&( paxil. And he just took it quietly. And I told him I was contracting with him to go on and stay on it for 6 months. Until Rainee was a year old. At that time with the doctors advice and blessing I'd go off it gradually if we felt (together) that that was the right thing to do.
See I originally went on it for 3 months, and that 3 months was up 3 months ago...and I resent very much the fact that I still NEED it.
But I do...and it is much wiser to admit I need it, then to become a crazy, nasty, abominable witch.
My grandmothers (plural) both dealth with depression. And neither of them sought help until it was too late, and neither admitted to a problem. And both of them ended up being very miserable as they got old.
I keep seeing myself in those roles. But the difference here is...I have got to admit NOW that I need the med...and convince myself to take it. Or enlist help to take it.
I have 5 very precious children and a God-gift husband who need a whole me....not the hysterical me. So if medicine is needed to get me over whatever I'm feeling...then so be it.
On the healthy note. I'm NOT.
And I've decided to except the status-quo. And work on the fact that I'm not healthy. And when I have a good day enjoy it, when I don't focus on my kids, and let absolutely everything else go. and I do mean everything.
I did have a friend with anemia tell me yesterday that your health is very poor when your anemic. Well the last blood work I did ago said I had my iron level *normal*. So I stopped taking the iron. BUT I did some reading last night, and came to find out...that the first month you get your blood work normal, you should continue to take the iron for 6 months in order to get your blood supplies stored extra. Why do doctors not tell you these kinda things???
Soooo being a good girl and going back on the iron too.
Okay I know way too many medical details. And your probably bored spitless, but I needed to work my way through things, so that I can get a grip on them. I am a very NEEDED individual. And lately I've been going around saying that I'm not. And its wrong, and I need to "cure" that mind-set.
And its a many-faceted approach in order to do that. Meds, accepting lack of health, and so on.
So my goal for today? To enjoy my children! Thats it nothing else.
Thanksgiving isn't being celebrated until Friday, cause DH has to work. And I don't have Bible study today, because it was cancelled. The house is reasonably clean, thanks to DH. And so today I focus on giving my kids some extra attention, and curing this #$@*#&$@#(*&@#(* sore throat I have.
May you have a great time getting ready for Thanksgiving!
Comments (9)
it is so hard to admit we need help- in any area of our lives. i'm glad you have admitted it. praying you heal emotionally.
Don't be too hard on yourself...the last couple days I've been in a similar position over different matters. Daylesmilk is right, it's hard to admit we can't always be 100% ourselves 100% of the time without some help of some kind. I know I can be my own worst enemy 99% of the time and accepting the help is the hardest part for me even if I know I need it. (For some reason I'm not sure that made sense, but that's what came to mind. lol It's been a long week here and it's only wed. LOL)
WoW.....just don't be too hard on yourself! And do enjoy your children today. I am and what a joy it has been!!!!!!!!
((((HUGS)))) to you. Don't be so hard on yourself!! I hope Friday is a wonderful Thanksgiving for you!
((((Big ole whoppin' hugs!)))) Praying for God to hold you and carry you through this season. You are such an inspiration to me.
Hang in there, God is good and he will give you the strength you need. Have a great Thanksgiving.
Tonia... *hugs* Don't look at being on Paxil as a negative thing... My husband suffered severe depression and anxiety to the point that he was house bound for five years. That's when he started chatting to me, I went and met him and eventually I learnt about what he was going through and helped him through it. He eventually was prescribed with meds and his doctor explained that the meds help the reactions in his brain to respond normally... whereas without the meds he doesn't have the ability to stop his anxiety from escalating beyond reasonable levels.
Look at it in the same way as giving Rainee her asthma medication. Your body isn't functioning the way it should, and if medication can help, let it!!!
Don't force yourself into trying to constantly be off the meds. It only creates more anxiety. *hugs*
I'm praying for you.
Hope you are feeling better. My computer crashed, so I have been absent and going thru withdrawls. Happy Thanksgiving!
Hugs to a special lady. Have a happy thanksgiving. God bless.
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