Morning.

Well Rainee is still pretty miserable.  My heart is so torn this morning.  I'm supposed to be scurrying around packing so we can drive 6 hours one way to go testify on the behalf of James.  And Rainee is so icky.  I just want to keep Rainee bundled up and safe in our house.  But I HAVE to testify. 

Rainee is of course coming with us.  But I keep playing the what if game.  What if she gets worse?  What if we have to visit a ER in a strange city.  etc, etc

Praying hard that I'm being a worry wort.

James woke up crying in the middle of the night.  Its my job to wake up Rob and then Rob does night duty.  So I poked him in the ribs.  "Rob, someone's crying". I said.  "Huh?"  he said.  "Who cares!"  And he went back to sleep.  (I don't think he was actually awake LOL)  So then I poked him again.  Rob someone's crying..."Oh? Okay I'm gonna get up."  He gets up for like 3 seconds and lays back in bed.  Jamesis still crying. 

"Did you check him?"  I ask.  "I didn't know I was supposed to."  Rob answers.   Tonia breathes deeply.  ROFL  Honey you need to make sure he's ok.  "HUh"  OK.  And then we finally have Rob functioning

Three more trips up and down the stairs in the night for my poor hubby.    So now he's back in bed trying to catch up on some Z's.    Hope it works.

Father God, please guide our steps today and tomorrow.  Give me great wisdom in testifying.  And help Rainee to slowly start getting better.  In your sons name, Amen

Rainee's breathing is awful.  And makes me cry for her.  She's on steroids for the next 5 days.  Here's hoping they work.

Good morning   Kaylin got carried back up to her crib due to being NASTY.  We're gonna start her morning over a second time.

Rainee is sick and as soon as the Dr's office is open I'm taking her in.  Her asthma is AWFUL   

James is mostly over his cold, he's just a teensy bit ornrey.

So my 3 youngest are feeling ornrey. 

Zeria wants to do school.  She's asked me every 30 seconds since she woke up.  I'm glad she's enthusiastic...but can't I wake up first?????????

Church ended up being quite good yesterday.  Especially evening service.  I'm gonna start playing keyboard in evening service starting next week.  This is my fun so I'm very much looking forward to it. 

My ultrasound appointment to check on the cyst on my ovary is today.  So gotta drag my body out for that.  Hope I get answers.

Tonight my sis & bil are going with us to Men in Black.  And then out to dinner.  It should be fun

Dr's office is open now so gotta get offline.  TTYL

Father God, thanks for Rob being off today.  Thank you for helping me out yesterday and keeping me calm when I oh so did NOT feel calm.  Thank you for your love.  I ask for wisdom to deal with all the things that come up today in your sons name, Amen

Good morning   I've been awake since 4 am thanks to Rainee Grace.  UGH!  And James woke the rest of the house up at 6:30 due to his screaming.  Can I retire from motherhood today?

I'm not sure we're going to church.  James has a cold and I don't feel like sharing it with everybody at church.  But my big kids want to go soooooooo badly.  So I'll make the decision after awhile.  *yawn*  First I gotta wake up. 

We started homeschooling on a Saturday because Saturday is our "thursday" around here.  Rob works on that day, and so we will typically be doing school on that day.  Zeria loved it and wanted to do some more after dinner LOL 

We are using the ACE learning to read program one I used to teach my brothers & sisters when I was a nanny for them.  So its easy and fun for us.   

I went out for breakfast yesterday and finally met  Hope she was my waitress at the restaurant I went to    It was nice to finally put a face to our e-mails and Xanga sites

Rainee's screaming some more so gotta go.  I so hope she's not getting Jamari's bug. 

Father God HELP!

We started homeschooling today   And it was fun.  We did 35 minutes of manipulative math.  Counting, Sorting and identifying colors of teddy bears.  And the A sound (A reads AAA, Ape reads AAA)  And Zeria's writing of the letter A.

Yesterday was a LOVELY day   and so unexpected to be lovely I feel like I just received this wonderful blessing...

My parents last minute invited a bunch of people over.  And it was a wonderful bunch of people.

Do you ever go to a party where no one meshes and you wonder why your there.  Those kind are just sucky.

But this was the kind where everybody visited nobody was left out and nobody wanted to leave.

Samuel found a friend. A REAL friend.  He's all boy and he tends to get tattled on because he's being a boy.  Not mean just rough and tumble.  Well last night one of the familys who came have a son just a month older then him and then had a riot.  Growled at and chased each other to their hearts content.  It was so fun to watch and such a relief for me as I feel so bad that he's always on the tattling end of "fun". 

James slept through the fireworks, but the rest of us enjoyed them.  Kaylin was especially enthusaistic yeah! yeah! yeah!  and oh oh oh.    My mom was holding her and has a lot of fun watching her enthusiasm. 

We wore my kids out too   Because its 8:40 and everybody but Rainee and I are still in bed.  Rainee's busy trying to reach the little fishy in her bouncy seat which is on my desk beside me. 

Anyhow it was such a pleasant wonderful day.  The only bummer was Rob not being there...and I barely missed him

Father God thank you for the suprise blessing of yesterday.  And for my kids being so good, and enjoying themselves so much.  Thank you for all the people who helped out with my babies, so I never felt stressed just oh so relaxed.  Thank you for sunshine today.  I pray that today would be one of growth and joy.  And that the things that need to get done will be.  In your sons name, Amen

              

Happy Fourth of July

The picture is from last year.  I digitally played with it.   Some of you have seen it before.  But enjoy

Rob is going to work and the kids and I will head over to my moms.  It will be a fairly quiet day.  In the later evening we will all head into town to watch the town Fireworks.  This is a family tradition.  And my poor husband will miss it all.

Last night Zeria had two sets of I don't want to sleeps.  I was just on my last straw in dealing with her.  Rob took over.  I have decided its his turn to try to solve things.  He is after all the head of this family. 

When he was done dealing with her I confessed my anger to him.  He was so sweet about it   He said I just figured you'ld always be angry about it, but thank you for the forgiveness.  He was willing to accept the anger and function.  How'd I get such a guy???????

Court date is being changed to Wednesday. *sigh*  So have to rework all the plans.  And this sucks even more because Rob works on WEdnesdays so once again he has to ask for time off.  *GROAN*

I have come to realize that I have been doing Rob's job of running this house more and more.  I believe firmly that the man is supposed to be the head of the house.  And more and more I've been arguing with him etc.  So I'm striving to allow him the right to make the final decision.  Its soooooooo hard.  But you know what things run much more smoothly and I'm  much more at peace when I do.   So I'm choosing to trust him with our family. 

I had another flash back this morning.  I thought they'd stopped and now 2 in 2 days.  Each time the flash back is another small window into another part of those horrendous 3 days of dealing with Rainee and the hospital.   This mornings had to do with sleeping beside her crib in the hospital, the IV pole in her, the wires and all the gunk hooked into her.  The view outside the hospital window, people scurrying here and there and no one aware of my fears going on.  The beeping of alarms going off (including Rainees).  The nurses quietly joking.  How dare they joke when I'm stuck here.  The ugliness.  My daughter is ugly with all this stuff protruding from her.   I feel ugly.  The color of this memory is dark brown.  with a bit of the street light from the outside window coming in.   My daughter is not ugly.  She's beautiful. 

My first memorys of Kaylin are oh she's beautiful.  My first memorys of Rainee are she looks so pathetic in all this stuff.  Leads, iv, everything.  I want to erase those memorys.  BUT they will always be a part of her.  So instead of erasing them I need to embrace the fact that she was only in the hospital for 3 days.  That she's essentially healthy.  That she's beautiful NOW.   She's minei

Father God, thank you for the present, the future.  The beautiful daughter that is mine.  Thank you your grace.  For your love in allowing me to move baby step by baby step.  Thank you for my husband.  For his forgiveness.  Allow me to heal to move on, but to remember your grace and forgiveness.   I love you.

Warning Flashback ahead.  Its something I need to deal with so ignore if your not intrested in reading past history of Rainee's birth again.

White

Silence

Clock on the wall,

Tick

Tick

Tick

Alone,

Rob?

Rob?

Rainee?

ALONE.

Iv pole

white,

sink,

nurses

in

out

Tony

Hi.

Rob?

Rob?

hazy

Mel,

Kathy,

none sense chatter

Rob?

Rob?

ALONE

flabby stomache,

sore

Rob?

Quiet,

ALONE

Oh God?

Oh God my baby

helicopter,

breathing

sick

Rob

sick

Me--

hemmoragged

ALONE

Better or Worse

wheres Rob?

sick

throw up

drugged

Oh God

Its been 2 months, and I can't let go.  I'm angry.  The pregnancy with Rainee drew Rob and I apart, we were so busy and I was so frustrated with my inability to help him.  We got angry at each other quite frequently. 

Kaylin's pregnancy brought us together.  Rainee's threatened to tear us apart.  I was angry so much of the time, crying much of the time.

I counted on prayed for dreamed of the intimacy we would have when I was in labor with Rainee.  It was the most powerful thing I've shared with anybody when I was in labor with Kaylin.  BUT  God decided I needed intimacy with someone else.  He took my husband away when I needed him the most (IMO) 

For three years he took my crutches away and forced me to trust Rob.  And then when I wanted him the most he was incapacitated by the stomache flu.  IT was NOT Rob's fault.  But yet I'm still angry.  Oh I hide it well, but I am.

Did the paxil numb it, hide it?  Or do I just need to deal with one thing at a time.  I guess thats it.  Todays baby step is to forgive my husband for being sick.  To move on.  To not regret the intimacy lost, but look forward to other intimate moments.  To claim other times. 

In some regards I even resent Rainee because while I recovered in the hospital ALONE Rob was on his way to see Rainee MY baby.  He left me his wife alone to take care of the daughter.  Its what I wanted, but again I was left alone.  alone.

I've never been so truely alone.

And yet God WAS there. 

God

Oh God?

God and God alone.

Oh God you are my God, and I will ever praise you, I will seek you in the morning I will learn to walk in your ways for step by step you lead me I will follow you all of my days.

I sang this over and over.  Stopping the grief that was overbearing, the anger because I needed to be able to get out of that #$@*&(@ hospital so I could take care of the baby. 

Putting myself on hold.

God I confess my intense incredible overwhelming anger.  I'm mad mad at you for making me need Rob so much, and then removing him when he could have helped me the most.  Forcing me to turn to you.  Please forgive me for that anger, the grief, the numbness of the emptiness of being alone.  And forgive me for being angry at Rob.  Let me forgive Rob. Give me the strength to trust him again.  Give me the strength to trust you again.  I continually question everything he does everything you do, because I'm afraid I will loose out again.  I'm so sorry.  Please father HELP. 

When I am afraid I will trust in you, I will trust in you, I will trust in you.  When I am afraid I will trust in you.  In God whose word I pray.

Did you know nickels can melt????  Jamari just helped us discover this.    :-O  He decided to put a nickel in some unfinished wiring and melted it.  He's fine the nickels a bit melted.   

***note to self*** todays project to finish that wiring.

Rob has to work the fourth, so its gonna be a woe is me kinda day tomorrow.  Though we'll probably go hang at my parents.

Zeria's nightmare saga continues.  Rob and I are frantic to figure out what was wrong.  We were beginning to suspect that something more was wrong.  Inappropriate touch?  etc.  We had both kept that to ourselves, but accidentally discovered yesterday that we were both thinking it.  So I had a very long serious discussion with Zeria about her night time visits and so on.  It appears to be just fear.    She says Captain Hook keeps trying to cut her neck off.  Rob says we're never taking her to a Movie Theatre again.  She's only seen two movies and one of them happens to be Return to Neverland.  *sigh*

Soooooooo how do I teach a little girl how to conquer fears? 

Well have tons to do before Rob heads to work and I'm typing this in my night gown so probably should get moving.

Father God, I ask for wisdom today in raising my children.  Let me be creative with teaching them how to become responsible people.  I pray for Rob that things would go well at work in your sons name, Amen

Good morning

Yesterday was a productive day.  And I'm not even that sore because of it   I must be recovered  

Rob and I built 3/4's of the fence together while the kids played and napped etc.  Rainee cooperated quite nicely and took a 3 plus hour nap.   We will finish it as soon as I'm awake   And then move on to bigger and better things.  Like playing for a bit?

Our puppys have become a MAJOR problem.  I have 7 years of Dog obedience under me and I can NOT get these guys to mind.  They consistently knock down my kids and nip at them.  I have done all that I know th get them to stop.  And they won't     So yesterday was the straw that broke the camels back.  One of them knocked Zeria down and bit her twice drawing blood and leaving nice marks in her hands.  I sincerly do not believe they were meaning to be vicious, but we can NOT break them of playing with the kids like their puppies.  So we have decided they will be going elsewhere and we are gonna become a dog free family. 

I've always had a dog, and we've always enjoyed them.  But at this time in our live we just don't have time and I can't keep risking my kids in the training process. 

Our date night was very relaxing.  We opted for the Chinese Restaurant.  And a lovely drive.  We just got in the van and wandered.  It was restful, and we came back ready to function for another week (we hope )

Now I have to start facing the details of the court date and see if my friend can watch Rainee, my parents watch our kids, etc, etc.  I hate working out details like this.  Especially when it means our so called anniversary trip gets put off again as we use my parents for BORING stuff  

Father God, give me the wisdom to get the details worked out for the court date.  I ask for today that things would honor you, and that we would have wisdom in guiding our kids.   I ask for strength to face this day as I feel so tired.  In your sons name, Amen