July 4, 2002

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    Happy Fourth of July


    The picture is from last year.  I digitally played with it.   Some of you have seen it before.  But enjoy


    Rob is going to work and the kids and I will head over to my moms.  It will be a fairly quiet day.  In the later evening we will all head into town to watch the town Fireworks.  This is a family tradition.  And my poor husband will miss it all.


    Last night Zeria had two sets of I don't want to sleeps.  I was just on my last straw in dealing with her.  Rob took over.  I have decided its his turn to try to solve things.  He is after all the head of this family. 


    When he was done dealing with her I confessed my anger to him.  He was so sweet about it   He said I just figured you'ld always be angry about it, but thank you for the forgiveness.  He was willing to accept the anger and function.  How'd I get such a guy???????


    Court date is being changed to Wednesday. *sigh*  So have to rework all the plans.  And this sucks even more because Rob works on WEdnesdays so once again he has to ask for time off.  *GROAN*


    I have come to realize that I have been doing Rob's job of running this house more and more.  I believe firmly that the man is supposed to be the head of the house.  And more and more I've been arguing with him etc.  So I'm striving to allow him the right to make the final decision.  Its soooooooo hard.  But you know what things run much more smoothly and I'm  much more at peace when I do.   So I'm choosing to trust him with our family. 


    I had another flash back this morning.  I thought they'd stopped and now 2 in 2 days.  Each time the flash back is another small window into another part of those horrendous 3 days of dealing with Rainee and the hospital.   This mornings had to do with sleeping beside her crib in the hospital, the IV pole in her, the wires and all the gunk hooked into her.  The view outside the hospital window, people scurrying here and there and no one aware of my fears going on.  The beeping of alarms going off (including Rainees).  The nurses quietly joking.  How dare they joke when I'm stuck here.  The ugliness.  My daughter is ugly with all this stuff protruding from her.   I feel ugly.  The color of this memory is dark brown.  with a bit of the street light from the outside window coming in.   My daughter is not ugly.  She's beautiful. 


    My first memorys of Kaylin are oh she's beautiful.  My first memorys of Rainee are she looks so pathetic in all this stuff.  Leads, iv, everything.  I want to erase those memorys.  BUT they will always be a part of her.  So instead of erasing them I need to embrace the fact that she was only in the hospital for 3 days.  That she's essentially healthy.  That she's beautiful NOW.   She's minei


    Father God, thank you for the present, the future.  The beautiful daughter that is mine.  Thank you your grace.  For your love in allowing me to move baby step by baby step.  Thank you for my husband.  For his forgiveness.  Allow me to heal to move on, but to remember your grace and forgiveness.   I love you.

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