July 3, 2002
-
Warning Flashback ahead. Its something I need to deal with so ignore if your not intrested in reading past history of Rainee's birth again.
White
Silence
Clock on the wall,
Tick
Tick
Tick
Alone,
Rob?
Rob?
Rainee?
ALONE.
Iv pole
white,
sink,
nurses
in
out
Tony
Hi.
Rob?
Rob?
hazy
Mel,
Kathy,
none sense chatter
Rob?
Rob?
ALONE
flabby stomache,
sore
Rob?
Quiet,
ALONE
Oh God?
Oh God my baby
helicopter,
breathing
sick
Rob
sick
Me--
hemmoragged
ALONE
Better or Worse
wheres Rob?
sick
throw up
drugged
Oh God
Its been 2 months, and I can't let go. I'm angry. The pregnancy with Rainee drew Rob and I apart, we were so busy and I was so frustrated with my inability to help him. We got angry at each other quite frequently.
Kaylin's pregnancy brought us together. Rainee's threatened to tear us apart. I was angry so much of the time, crying much of the time.
I counted on prayed for dreamed of the intimacy we would have when I was in labor with Rainee. It was the most powerful thing I've shared with anybody when I was in labor with Kaylin. BUT God decided I needed intimacy with someone else. He took my husband away when I needed him the most (IMO)
For three years he took my crutches away and forced me to trust Rob. And then when I wanted him the most he was incapacitated by the stomache flu. IT was NOT Rob's fault. But yet I'm still angry. Oh I hide it well, but I am.
Did the paxil numb it, hide it? Or do I just need to deal with one thing at a time. I guess thats it. Todays baby step is to forgive my husband for being sick. To move on. To not regret the intimacy lost, but look forward to other intimate moments. To claim other times.
In some regards I even resent Rainee because while I recovered in the hospital ALONE Rob was on his way to see Rainee MY baby. He left me his wife alone to take care of the daughter. Its what I wanted, but again I was left alone. alone.
I've never been so truely alone.
And yet God WAS there.
God
Oh God?
God and God alone.
Oh God you are my God, and I will ever praise you, I will seek you in the morning I will learn to walk in your ways for step by step you lead me I will follow you all of my days.
I sang this over and over. Stopping the grief that was overbearing, the anger because I needed to be able to get out of that #$@*&(@ hospital so I could take care of the baby.
Putting myself on hold.
God I confess my intense incredible overwhelming anger. I'm mad mad at you for making me need Rob so much, and then removing him when he could have helped me the most. Forcing me to turn to you. Please forgive me for that anger, the grief, the numbness of the emptiness of being alone. And forgive me for being angry at Rob. Let me forgive Rob. Give me the strength to trust him again. Give me the strength to trust you again. I continually question everything he does everything you do, because I'm afraid I will loose out again. I'm so sorry. Please father HELP.
When I am afraid I will trust in you, I will trust in you, I will trust in you. When I am afraid I will trust in you. In God whose word I pray.
Comments (2)
I am very sorry that you have felt this and please know that you should never feel bad or have to apologize for going on about this, especially here, because if it is hurting you, it matters. I know that, eventually, you will forgive God, and Rob, and then it will be resolved. but until then, you can go on about it as much as you like here because this is your place and what matters to you matters to us. or me, at least.
I don't think God would ever give anyone a load that is too big to bear. Maybe he was trying to get you to see how strong you are by yourself! (You are strong, even if you don't see it in yourself yet.
) I'm glad you are sharing this though, because you are preparing me for my up coming birth. I hadn't realized how much I depended on dh in the past. Now I see how easily that could be taken away. Sharing your story is making me see that maybe I'll have to be strong one day too.
As for Rob going with your dd. I think I would prefer my dh going with my baby over staying with me. When there are decisions to be made concerning the welfare of our children I always turn to him for guidence. I know I can take care of myself , but the baby would need him more at that point!
Keep sharing and it will get easier over time. It seemed like a very tramatic time for you. You will get through it though. Remember you are strong!
Be well.
Comments are closed.