Month: May 2002

  • Good evening   I seem to only be finding the time to blog at night.  Cause I spend the rest of my day sleeping/nursing


    Rob & I finally broke down and went grocery shopping.  We hired my sister to come and watch the 4 oldest and Rainee came along in the sling.  My husband *gasp* is using the sling this time around.  Not sure how that happened hehehe.  He swore he hated it last baby.


    I did the slow walk around the store and told him what to put into the cart, then took Rainee out to the van and nursed her while he did the unloading/paying and loading back into the van.  I survived and then came home and crashed   Gotta love sleeping.


    We have a plan for next week when Rob goes back to work.  My sisters (the young ones still at my mom's home)  will take turns coming up and relieving me of my kids so I can crawl away for a nap.


    Rainee will be two weeks old tomorrow.  Kinda of hard to believe that....seems like I slept most of those 2 weeks away...oh thats right I did sleep most of those 2 weeks away    Will take her to her 2 week check-up tomorrow and make sure she's still gaining weight.  As she nurses like a champ I'm sure she's fine.


    Kaylin is starting to accept Rainee and is stroking her and smiling at her.  And I'm getting VERY good at tandem nursing.  LOL  If you'd told me I'd do that 2 years ago I would have laughed and laughed and laughed at you.    Its amazing the things one does for their children to keep them content. 


    Okay now I'm really laughing Rob is taking Rainee out in the sling to mow the lawn.   This should be very entertaining. 


    Oh in regards to my milk supply.  Well its a BIG one   I'm currently walking around with my shirt & pants sopping wet do to leakage   Can we say ewwwwwwwwwwwww.  I have accumulated so much laundry lately.  hehehehe.  I'd forgotten the joys of early milk production.   Oh and I went up two more cup sizes.  (Sorry if I'm embarassing anybody)  Did you know there is a I cup?  Well ummmm there is.  And I'm waiting for mine to come in the mail.  In the meantime I'm running around braless which is why my shirts are getting sooooooo soggy.     I was wearing my smaller bras but started getting mastitis so that is definitely NOT gonna be repeated.    Ok too much information, and I'll move on from here. 


    Jamari has handled the new baby very well.  Which has made me extremely grateful.  And I'm also grateful he has such a good bond with Rob as I just haven't had the energy to give him the time and attention he needs.  I'm doing good to snuggle with him for 10 minutes a day. 


    Zeria & Samuel are just adoring Rainee and all in all the kids are adjusting to the newest family member quite well. 


    We are in the midst of all this in negotiation with Jamari's state of origin in regards to how "open" our adoption will be.  His birth mom showed up and is making demands.   We don't mind an open adoption, but we WILL be the ones making the rules, as this woman has not done too well in the child-rearing department.   We will also not be revealing our phone number or where we live.    All letters will be sent to her through our adoption agency who will be sending them to another part of the state so they can get a different postmark on them.   They've done this before, and said it works quite well.  


    Father God, Thank you for carrying me this far.  It has been a long road.  I ask that you continue to carry me and my family.  And give me the strength I need when I need it.  In your sons name, Amen

  •     


    I lay in bed in the middle of the night.  Rob is on the couch sleeping with Rainee to give me a few extra minutes of sleep.  I wake up to realize the bedroom is empty.  And the fear course through my veins.  I'm alone.  Oh no.  And instantly I'm transported back to the hospital and the immediate hours after they helicoptered Rainee to Childrens.  Rob is sleeping off his sickness in the hallway.  The nurses have left me alone.  And its quiet all too quiet.  The baby that was safely fluttering in my stomache 24 hours ago is no longer doing that.   I'm alone.


    And then a still small voice reminds me now as it reminded me then.  No! you are not alone.  I'm still here.  God?  I ask, I'm sorry I forgot you were there.  Hold me tight.  And in the darkness of my bedroom I hold onto him oh so tightly.   I'm not alone.  God is there.  How do non-Christians cope?  I don't have a clue! 


    I will never be truely alone.  THANK YOU FATHER!   Defeat the lie that comes to haunt me.  I am NOT alone.  You are here.


      


    My stomache is flatter, I rub it in the darkness as it aches a little from the uterus contracting and getting smaller.  I realize once again that Rob has taken Rainee out.  And the scream in my head comes.  I WANT MY BABY!!!  I'm immediately transported back to the hospital.  And the cry that I cried on the phone while talking to Rob.  My baby is almost 24 hours old and I've not held her in my arms yet.  Just stroked her as she's covered in IV cords.  And then God says...breathe you have your baby.  I call Rob's name he here's me on the "mommy" monitor...the baby monitor put to another use.  Rainee is brought to me and I hold her tight.  Snuggle her to my breast stroke her and remember I have my baby.   Oh thank you God I have my baby.  Let this fear subside too. 


    God does NOT give us the spirit of fear, but of power of love and of a sound mind!  2 Timothy 1:7


    Satan tries to destroy me with these fears, but he cannot.  Because God is stronger.


    I'm scared.  I have one week to recover enough to take care of 5 children.  5 children?  How the heck did that happen.  4 years ago I was single, and lonesome.   I've only been married for just under 3.  How the heck did I end up with 5?  And how in the world am I who can't even stand up for more then 5 minutes at a time take care of 5 children.  I concentrate on the fear, I mull it over and over and over in my head.  Today I dwelt on it entirely too much.  The 7 days I have left to recover seem way too short. 


    I get a phone call.  A well meaning person calls to be sympathetic.  The fears in my head come to a head.  I mull things over way too much.  I had decided I was gonna go to Bible study, but after the phone call I want to crawl into a hole and hide.  If I go out in public I will have to deal with life.  I tell Rob I'm not going, he says fine, 5 minutes before its too late to go I say...quick lets go.  He bundles up the kids without questioning me and drives me to Bible Study.  I toddle in and sit on a nice rocking chair with 5 very safe women.   We are studying Genesis.  I have not shared my fears.  I am quiet.  I don't have the mental ability to talk much.  Rob keeps thinking I'm mad at him because I'm so quiet.    I finally told him today, it wasn't that...I just have nothing to say.  He understands.  I'm listening to Bible Study.  The words are swelling around my head.  But I'm not taking them in very well.  We are asked to turn to a passage of Scripture.  We're talking about Jacob wrestling with God.  We turn to 2 Corinthians.  In my Bible the words of Christ are red lettered.  There is only one verse red lettered.  It jumps out at me.  I read it tuning out what the women are saying/speaking/doing.  I'm taken back once again to the hospital.  But this time its a good memory.  It was after they'd taken Rainee to the nursery to continue to work on her breathing.  Before the announcement of a helicopter ride.  (I think)  I'm talking in a stadol induced haze, and I say to whoever was in the room (I don't even remember LOL)  That I'm so glad we had picked the middle name of Grace  because I just recieved a undeserved favor in God allowing her to live.  One of the nurses comes over and bends down and whispers in my ear....Remember "His grace is sufficient for you."   I hold onto that for the next couple days.  But forget it in the mundane of getting Rainee to nurse and trying to heal.   At Bible study today I opened my Bible and read..............


    2 Corinthians 12:9 And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. "


    His strength is there.  When next week comes he will provide the strength I need either by giving it to me or bringing people to help me take care of my kids.  HIs grace is sufficient. 


    I need not fear.  I need not fear being alone, loosing my baby, or not being able to take care of my kids.  Because God is here.