moooooooooooooo

I deserve a prize.  I have 5 kids...yes 5 sleeping all at the same time

So why am I not sleeping???  Wanted to get a few minutes of alone time before they wake up.  Will probably go curl up on the couch in a few minutes. 

Wellllllllllllllllllllll so far so good.  I've been in charge of the for 2 whole hours.  ROFL  And the first 15 minutes were the worst...and Rob hadn't even left the house.  Rainee was crying (she wanted to nurse)  Kaylin was crying she had stinky pants, and wanted to nurse, and Jamari was crying because daddy wouldn't let him in the shower.   UGH!!!  Changed stinky Kaylin, while rocking cranky Rainee in the sling (multi-tasking at its best--or worst)  And ignored crying Jamari.   (mean mommy)

Cranky Kaylin stopped crying as soon as she got clean. (phew)  Moved to the couch sat down and nursed the two of them together......and I thought maybe Kaylin had weaned HA!!!!  And Jamari decided that nobody cared about his woes so he started to play.    Daddy got out of shower, gave Jamari snack, and we all watched a video while Jamari fell asleep eating his snack (oops). 

Sooooooooooooooo am I gonna survive this day?  6 more hours until  the kids bedtime and counting.  hehehehehe

Good evening  

Well this was my last day of recuperating.  Tomorrow I'm back on duty.

PIcture a woman here pulling her hair out in panic. 

Okay, mentally actually I'm mostly ready for it.  Yesterday I was actually AWARE that my house was dirty.  Haven't cared whether my house was standing or not in the last 3 weeks.  I think this is a good sign. 

Although if Rob catches me doing housework in the next 2 days he'll probably kill me...as my energy reserves are to be used for caring for children only.   I still get shaky if I'm upright for more then an hour or so.  Which is better then the 5 minutes I could do 3 weeks ago.  So I figure the kids and I will be doing a lot of cuddling with books, or watching tv. 

I have somebody coming over both Wednesday and Thursday to relieve me so I can take a nap.  So that should help.  The kids all nap at the same time which helps....but Rainee doesn't always agree with that nap time...so we'll see what she does.

We've been watching the Dinotopia mega-series by Disney.  Its quite good so far.  We'll actuallly give up watching JAG tonight to see the ending.   If you haven't read the Dinotopia books their quite good. Some are kids books, and some adult, but their fun fantasy, and nobrainers.

I think I now own all of the Anne McAffrey Pern series.  Compliments of surfing Amazon.com for the ones I didn't own yet.  And I have read almost all of them twice.    When I wasn't sleeping I was reading this past 3 weeks LOL

We finally got our closet up in our bedroom over the last two days, and Rob spent an hour or more re-hanging our hanging clothes.  So now all I need to do is decide what I'm gonna do for pictures in there. 

Part of me would really like to do a black-white picture theme.  I could use pictures of my kids, or scenery pictures, but I'm also hesitant as I've never actually done a themed room before.  I typically decorate a-la Garage sale/Goodwill   HMMM could I handle a "real" decorated room. 

I must be feeling better I'm actually thinking about decorating again. LOL 

One step at a time........

                 HMMMMMMMMMMMM  Jamari says life is just delightful. 

                                        Kaylin enjoying the out of doors.  

               Rainee says;  Do you have that nasty camera out again???????

                    Rainee says;  Well okay if I smile will you put it away?????

                                    The great and mighty explorers

Its been gorgeous today.  Though as per usual I slept most of it away.    I'm storing up as much sleep time as I can before Wednesday when Rob goes to work. 

Tomorrow's Mothers Day, and our church will be having a dinner for moms.  I'm still trying to decide if I have the energy for it............I guess we'll play it by ear. 

I have much that flits through my head these days, but when I sit down to blog it all flitters away.

I've been thinking about the difference between my two biological daughters.  Kaylin came out squirming and happy.   My mom swears she smiled when she was 20 minutes old.  And Kaylin has NEVER cuddled.  NEVER NEVER NEVER   

Rainee is sooooooooo cuddly.  And I swear she knows the secrets of the world if only she could talk.  She just looks so intently like she understands everything thats going on. 

I've also been thinking of the bonding of my children, and how/when I bonded with them.  With Zeria I didn't meet her until she was 13 months old.  I had gotten a call at 2:30 in the afternoon saying I could "officially" get her.  I called the foster mom and she said today?  I said I'll be there in 5 hours.  I left 5 minutes later.  LOL  And no I didn't break the speed limit.    When I got there it was strange.  There was this little brown baby running around the living room throwing herself on the floor and throwing the toy around I'd brought for her.   She was adorable but she didn't feel like "mine".  My hair was long and hanging around my face.  Several  hours later as I was changing her diaper and putting her to bed at the foster moms I was dangling my hair in her face and teasing her.  She giggled & reached out to grab me...and she became unequivacably mine!  

I met Samuel that same night.  He was only 3 months old.  I was so intrigued by the toddler (Zeria)  that it wasn't until the next night that I really "saw" Samuel.  I brought him into bed with me and we snuggled and I wrapped him in my arms close to my breast wishing I had been able to nurse him and be his mom from birth.  He became truely mine that night.

Kaylin...........that bonding was much more powerful, and happened instantly.  She came out of me, and they laid her on my stomache with the cord still attatched.  I was awesomely and instantly in love.  It was not a stronger love then my adopted babies, just much much more instant.

With Jamari.  You've read my struggles in bonding with him.  And yet, the night we left the foster moms, and I walked the hotel halls with him in my sling I KNEW that he was mine as I listened to the tv news in the hotel lobby, and wanted to show him off to the world.    Now I'm just working on convincing him of that. 

Rainee.  I thought the bonding would be like Kaylin's.  I dreamed of it.  But as you know the story was different.  I got to touch her two hours after she was born.  She had a box over her head with oxygen in it.  Iv in her arm, and she was so fragile.   I looked across the labor/delivery room as they were working on her and cried for her as she struggled for breathe.  I cried in a room alone as I knew she was 3.5 hours away in another hospital.  Crying because there was no milk in the pacifier, and they couldn't let her eat until they made sure her organs were working.    When I finally got to hold her there was so many things attatched to her.  A Iv pull, a oxymeter pulse taped to her foot, leads to her heart, she seemed so foreign amongst all that.  But as I held her 36 hours after she was born and touched and stroked her face and kissed her and hid the tears from the fish bowl room of nurses we were in.  I knew that she was mine and I was fighting for her. 

The bonds have each been so different.  Each child at a different time, but oh so mine. 

And then I contemplate how much more God loves each of them, and me.  "For God, so loved the world he GAVE his only Son that whoever believed in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." 

How astounding that the deep love, fight for the death for my children feeling is just so small compared to how much God loves me. 

Got this in one of my e-mail groups....and it was entirely too appropriate.   Besides I have bloggers block today, and had to put up something

For those of us who live in the sunny Northwest!

You might be from the Northwest if you:
* Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
* Use the expression "sun break" and know what it means.
* Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
* Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
* Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk"
signal.
* Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's
not a
real mountain.
* Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
* Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, and
Willamette.
* Consider swimming an indoor sport.
* Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food.
*In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark- while
only
working eight-hour days.
* Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
* Are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain, and
Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
* You can't wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks."
* Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
* Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
* Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see through
the
cloud cover.
* Say, "The mountain is out" when it's a pretty day and you can
actually see
it.
* Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still
wear your
hiking boots and parka.
* Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on.
* Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
* Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
* Knew immediately that the view out "Frasier's" window was fake.
* Buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones
after
such a long time.
* Switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day. You use a down
comforter in
the summer.
* Your grandparents drive 65 mph through 2 feet of water during raging
rainstorm without flinching.
* Design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
* Know that driving is better in the winter because almost everybody
stays
home.
* Think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
* Actually understand these comments and forward them to all your
friends
in Washington or Oregon or those who used to live here.

Rob has officially declared he HATES being a housewife   He says he always respected what I did before, but  now he does even more, and he'll be VERY glad to give me back my job.  ROFL

Rob is getting a wee bit loopy.  Last night he went and got my nyferex (iron)  opened it up, got a glass of water in preperation of bringing it to me...and well took it himself.    OOOPS!!!!!   Fortunately it was just the iron he took.  ROFL    Tomorrow my little sister is gonna come over and play with the kids, so Rob can have a break.   I think he NEEDS one.  LOL

I got out of the house today and went to Bible study.  It was a nice break.  And I found myself genuinely laughing today   I think this patient shall live.    

I know by next week I will be able to care for my kids.  Though we'll probably watch more tv then normal. 

Kaylin did not nurse today.  She has never missed a morning nurse by her choice.  But today she said no.  I don't know if this means she's weaned or not.  I cried when she said no.  I'm sad she's growing up...but I'm also glad she's the one that's making the choice.  So we will see what tomorrow brings. 

Rainee is gaining weight   She's currently at 9 pounds 15 ounces.  My bugging her to nurse paid off.  I was very relieved to hear that.    I will continue to bug her and remind her to swallow/suck not just hang on to the boob....but I will not be having to wake her up every two hours at night.  I was gonna have to resort to that if she hadn't gained this time.  She sleeps 3.5-4 hours at night and its very lovely   I really, really did NOT want to train her out of it.  LOL

Rob and I went and watched Spiderman Monday night.  I highly recomend it.  It was clean, and entertaining.  Yes, a bit violent but its a action flick after all.  Now the next must see movie will be the New Star Wars movie.     Oh yes, and the Veggie Tales movie. 

Tomorrow if I'm still feeling like I do we may sneak off to a beach for a little bit.  One where we can just drive up to it and enjoy the sunshine and surf for a bit.  That is IF it sunshines.  One never knows what the weather's gonna be like around here. 

Father God, thank you for your love and your answer to prayers.  I pray for my extended family that you would continue to work, and to do miracles.  I thank you for my family and their constantly amusing me.    In your sons name, Amen

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The pictures speak for themselves   My favorite is Kaylin holding Rainee.  She's finally figured out that having a little sister is very cool.  She's also learned a new very powerful word   SHARE!  She uses this whenever I have something she wants.  HEHEHEHEHE.     She came in tonight to my bedroom and said Sha! SHa!   I didn't have anything that I could see she would want.  Then she touched Rainee (whom I was holding)  and patted her lap and said Sha! Sha!  That was when I let her hold her and we took the pictures.  Too cute

Zeria has been asking the most complicated questions lately.  I think I'm gonna have to invest in an encyclopedia to answer them all.  If she's asking these at 4....I'm in SOOOOOOOOO much trouble when she gets older.  Todays ???   Mommy, do spiders have eyes?  (Compliments of her knowing we'd gone to spiderman--and the spider that was crawling on their swing set )

Samuel?  Well, he's just goofy.  Last night when the baby sitter served pizza and they prayed for dinner.  Part of his prayer (according to the babysitter)  Was, Dear God, please help mom and dad find fruit snacks tonight.  BWAHAHAHA  We know his priorities.

Jamari?  He's gonna be my explorer.  He has major wanderlust whenever he's outside, oh is he gonna wear me out this summer.  Fortunately daddy's still the one chasing him right now.  HEHEHE

Well thats the quick update of my munchkins.   I hope you enjoy the pictures. 

Now, onto my reasons for Paxil.  Not that I need to justify them, but for some reason I still feel I need to.  Go figure.  I only have a prescription for 2 months.  I will NOT take it longer then that.  My midwife wouldn't want me to. 

Friday afternoon I had a panic attack.  I've never had one like this.  I found myself crying "I can't, I can't, I can't"  for over 10 minutes.  It was NOT pretty.  Fortunately I was in the bedroom and my children missed out on it.  My husband unfortunately did NOT.  I had NO control.   Eventually I got myself back down off the ceiling and remembered............"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."   That evening I had another milder reaction about the similar topic.  

I have always struggled on & off with depression.  Since getting my thyroid diagnosed 98% of it has gone away.  With the hormone stuff being where its at and the blood level being where its at.  The struggle has been fierce again.    Only this time things are different.  I am the mother of a 4.5 year old, a almost 4 year old (end of this month)  a 2 year old, a 1 year old, and a newborn.  I do NOT have the ____________ to give into the depression.  You fill in the blank.    Yes, I have another week to heal.  And I'm EXTREMELY grateful for it. 

But, that does NOT mean things are gonna be 100% immediately.  I'm still gonna be struggling.   And if there's a way to help me stay a little bit even keeled while I get over the worst of the post-partum crud taking it seemed best for my family and for me.  

My husband has been a SAINT!  He has done everything in this house for the last 2.5 weeks, and will continue to do so until next Wednesday.   And has already told me he will continue to do all the housework as long as I deem necessary.  I'm so greatful for this and for him.  Our anniversary is the 15th.  We will have been married 3 years.  3 years is such an incredibly short time. 

And he has put up with a LOT.  Its time that we all have a little break from the dramatic.   My midwife has given me a very small dose of paxil.  She said that all it will do is lessen the lows and lessen the highs.  And quite frankly I NEED that right now.  My family needs it. 

Their are other issues that I'm not comfortable sharing that are swirling around.  (Having to do with extended family)  I can't reveal them because I do NOT want to invade their privacy.   Life has been complicated around here to say the least.

Do I feel defensive for this choice?  NOPE!  I feel incredibly at peace for making this decision.  The most peace I've felt since this whole thing began.    I had prayed a LOT about asking my midwife for it when I hit my 6 week checkup.....thinking that I would not be seeing her before then.    And asked God to allow me to see her if I needed help sooner.  He allowed it.  And she was wonderful!  She let me cry, told me it was okay to cry.  Gave me a hug & kiss, and said you will make it.  I'm not taking this medication to stop the tears.  I hope I still have some.  I'm not afraid of tears.  I'm afraid of the anger/panic I will have when I'm back in charge of my children. 

Father God, I thank you so much for M visiting with me yesterday.  I ask that you continue to allow me to heal in your time.  I thank you for peace, and pray that you will allow me to continue to work through things at your pace.  In your sons name Amen

Thanks Kayte  I appreciated this cartoon ALL too well!!!!!!

Update from the midwifes.  Well my humatacrant hasn't moved up one teensy tiny little bit.  It hasn't gone down so this is a little bit of good.  I DID get to see my midwife.  And didn't need to whine, just needed to look, and she felt sorry for me   She decided that Rob should NOT be going back to work this week.  And I'm am sooooo grateful.  Rob offered on Friday to ask for another week off, but I felt guilty or something.    We HAVE the time accumulated, and by law their required to let him use it.  He called his boss, and he didn't even bat an eye, just said, well I'll see you next Wednesday instead.  Rob was in awe.  I'm able to slow down and not push myself.

I also made a very hard decision all on my own.  And decided that for awhile I will be taking Paxil.  My midwife did NOT force it, but she made it an option, and I decided that it was a wise choice.  

I told my mom about it using the words...."Well, I swallowed my pride and am taking depression medication."  She said what does pride have to do with it?  If you have a headache you take painkiller.   (That was the exact words my midwife used HMMMM)  So Rob heard me say that, and escorted me into the bedroom to ask what pride had to do with it.     I guess I got lectured on all fronts. 

I will blog on another day why I gave into Paxil.  It has something to do with crying everytime I see a newborn on a commercial.  Flashbacks to the night Rainee was born.  Crying at a Crosby rerun when his daughter has a normal delivery.  And well lots of other things.   I believe God is in control.  But I also believe I need a little extra help to stablize myself right now.

NAK (nurse at keyboard) so I'll type more later. 

All in all I felt like the midwife visit was extremely good.  I have some more time....and know their still rooting for me. 

Good morning   Well its May...right?  I ask because it was snowing outside a few minutes ago.  Yes, snowing.  UGH!  Fortunately it did NOT stick.  But come on already its May!!!! 

Okay got that out of my system.

I survived Sunday morning church yesterday, and that's pretty much how it felt (survival)   I can't wait to feel "normal" again.  Whatever the heck that is.  Its been so long since I've felt "normal"  I don't think I'd recognize it.  LOL

2.5 years ago I was pregnant with Kaylin.  And when that was done and overwith I dealt with intense back pain due to my tail bone being dislocated (compliments of Kaylin)  By the time I got that semi-under control.....I was diagnosed with low-thyroid.  And by the time I got that under control I was pregnant with Rainee    So I'm extremely curious to see what a normal body feels like.    And looking forward to it too LOL

I'm headed to the midwifes this morning to get a finger stick and see where my humatacrant is at.   (At their request)  I am still so incredibly lethargic, and if I stand up for more then 5 minutes completely exhausted like I'd ran a 25 mile marathon.   I keep wondering when the heck I'm supposed to get "better"  like the midwife said.  *sigh*  UGH!  I don't even know if I'll see her today.  Part of me hopes I do so I can whine   HEHE, but the whining won't do any good.  I had my choice for the quick fix, and now I'm just working with the slow heal. 

Rob has learned to love the sling.  And I'm still in shock over that.  I have a maya wrap.   And its so wonderful.  I'm so weak/shaky I've been using it whenever I have to carry Rainee so I don't have to trust my arms that much.   Rob has been using it to go "hiking" with the kids, to mow the lawn (apparently it went ok LOL)   And to do dishes.   What a guy

Tonight we are going on a date night, and Rainee is headed to her first movie.  (Spiderman)  We'll see how she likes it LOL

Father God, I ask to continue to heal, and for a answer from the midwife about when this exhaustion is gonna be over.  IN your sons name, amen

Good Afternoon

Well I have help arranged for next week when Rob goes back to work on Wednesday.  Rob arranged it.  I had two anxiety attacks when trying to think about being responsible by Wednesday yesterday.  They were not pretty.    Finally (when I was rational)  I asked him to find someone to do it for me.  He did.  (phew)

And then I remembered my verse..................

God does NOT give us the spirit of fear.

Why couldn't I have remembered that sooner?  Praying hard, and sleeping lots. 

Rainee has not regained her birth weight (3 ounces shy)  So being more agressive about her nursing during the day time.  Doctor wasn't overly concerned, but just have to be more concientious.

She's officially 2 weeks old.  And I can't hardly believe it.

We are headed out to celebrate my brothers & sisters coming home to our family.  It has been 9 years of them belong to us.  I can't believe it has been that long!  We will all go to Godfathers.  It will be a ZOO.  (We have a private room)  There's 9 children, plus our 5 grandchildren, my sisters 2 and my brothers 2, and our spouses.  So do the math.  It will be rather wild.  My poor head is gonna be spinning.   

Ok thats the second time Zeria's interupted me...guess I better try again later.