May 11, 2002

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                   HMMMMMMMMMMMM  Jamari says life is just delightful. 

  
  

                      

  
  

                                          Kaylin enjoying the out of doors.  

  
  

                               

  
  

                 Rainee says;  Do you have that nasty camera out again???????

  
  

                              

  
  

                      Rainee says;  Well okay if I smile will you put it away?????

  
  

                

  
  

                                      The great and mighty explorers

  
  

  Its been gorgeous today.  Though as per usual I slept most of it away.    I'm storing up as much sleep time as I can before Wednesday when Rob goes to work. 

  
  

  Tomorrow's Mothers Day, and our church will be having a dinner for moms.  I'm still trying to decide if I have the energy for it............I guess we'll play it by ear. 

  
  

  I have much that flits through my head these days, but when I sit down to blog it all flitters away.

  
  

  I've been thinking about the difference between my two biological daughters.  Kaylin came out squirming and happy.   My mom swears she smiled when she was 20 minutes old.  And Kaylin has NEVER cuddled.  NEVER NEVER NEVER   

  
  

  Rainee is sooooooooo cuddly.  And I swear she knows the secrets of the world if only she could talk.  She just looks so intently like she understands everything thats going on. 

  
  

  I've also been thinking of the bonding of my children, and how/when I bonded with them.  With Zeria I didn't meet her until she was 13 months old.  I had gotten a call at 2:30 in the afternoon saying I could "officially" get her.  I called the foster mom and she said today?  I said I'll be there in 5 hours.  I left 5 minutes later.  LOL  And no I didn't break the speed limit.    When I got there it was strange.  There was this little brown baby running around the living room throwing herself on the floor and throwing the toy around I'd brought for her.   She was adorable but she didn't feel like "mine".  My hair was long and hanging around my face.  Several  hours later as I was changing her diaper and putting her to bed at the foster moms I was dangling my hair in her face and teasing her.  She giggled & reached out to grab me...and she became unequivacably mine!  

  
  

  I met Samuel that same night.  He was only 3 months old.  I was so intrigued by the toddler (Zeria)  that it wasn't until the next night that I really "saw" Samuel.  I brought him into bed with me and we snuggled and I wrapped him in my arms close to my breast wishing I had been able to nurse him and be his mom from birth.  He became truely mine that night.

  
  

  Kaylin...........that bonding was much more powerful, and happened instantly.  She came out of me, and they laid her on my stomache with the cord still attatched.  I was awesomely and instantly in love.  It was not a stronger love then my adopted babies, just much much more instant.

  
  

  With Jamari.  You've read my struggles in bonding with him.  And yet, the night we left the foster moms, and I walked the hotel halls with him in my sling I KNEW that he was mine as I listened to the tv news in the hotel lobby, and wanted to show him off to the world.    Now I'm just working on convincing him of that. 

  
  

  
  Rainee.  I thought the bonding would be like Kaylin's.  I dreamed of it.  But as you know the story was different.  I got to touch her two hours after she was born.  She had a box over her head with oxygen in it.  Iv in her arm, and she was so fragile.   I looked across the labor/delivery room as they were working on her and cried for her as she struggled for breathe.  I cried in a room alone as I knew she was 3.5 hours away in another hospital.  Crying because there was no milk in the pacifier, and they couldn't let her eat until they made sure her organs were working.    When I finally got to hold her there was so many things attatched to her.  A Iv pull, a oxymeter pulse taped to her foot, leads to her heart, she seemed so foreign amongst all that.  But as I held her 36 hours after she was born and touched and stroked her face and kissed her and hid the tears from the fish bowl room of nurses we were in.  I knew that she was mine and I was fighting for her. 

  
  

  The bonds have each been so different.  Each child at a different time, but oh so mine. 

  
  

  And then I contemplate how much more God loves each of them, and me.  "For God, so loved the world he GAVE his only Son that whoever believed in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." 

  
  

  How astounding that the deep love, fight for the death for my children feeling is just so small compared to how much God loves me. 

  • 9:07 pm
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