May 7, 2002

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  The pictures speak for themselves   My favorite is Kaylin holding Rainee.  She's finally figured out that having a little sister is very cool.  She's also learned a new very powerful word   SHARE!  She uses this whenever I have something she wants.  HEHEHEHEHE.     She came in tonight to my bedroom and said Sha! SHa!   I didn't have anything that I could see she would want.  Then she touched Rainee (whom I was holding)  and patted her lap and said Sha! Sha!  That was when I let her hold her and we took the pictures.  Too cute

  
  

  Zeria has been asking the most complicated questions lately.  I think I'm gonna have to invest in an encyclopedia to answer them all.  If she's asking these at 4....I'm in SOOOOOOOOO much trouble when she gets older.  Todays ???   Mommy, do spiders have eyes?  (Compliments of her knowing we'd gone to spiderman--and the spider that was crawling on their swing set )

  
  

  Samuel?  Well, he's just goofy.  Last night when the baby sitter served pizza and they prayed for dinner.  Part of his prayer (according to the babysitter)  Was, Dear God, please help mom and dad find fruit snacks tonight.  BWAHAHAHA  We know his priorities.

  
  

  Jamari?  He's gonna be my explorer.  He has major wanderlust whenever he's outside, oh is he gonna wear me out this summer.  Fortunately daddy's still the one chasing him right now.  HEHEHE

  
  

  Well thats the quick update of my munchkins.   I hope you enjoy the pictures. 

  
  

  Now, onto my reasons for Paxil.  Not that I need to justify them, but for some reason I still feel I need to.  Go figure.  I only have a prescription for 2 months.  I will NOT take it longer then that.  My midwife wouldn't want me to. 

  
  

  Friday afternoon I had a panic attack.  I've never had one like this.  I found myself crying "I can't, I can't, I can't"  for over 10 minutes.  It was NOT pretty.  Fortunately I was in the bedroom and my children missed out on it.  My husband unfortunately did NOT.  I had NO control.   Eventually I got myself back down off the ceiling and remembered............"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."   That evening I had another milder reaction about the similar topic.  

  
  

  I have always struggled on & off with depression.  Since getting my thyroid diagnosed 98% of it has gone away.  With the hormone stuff being where its at and the blood level being where its at.  The struggle has been fierce again.    Only this time things are different.  I am the mother of a 4.5 year old, a almost 4 year old (end of this month)  a 2 year old, a 1 year old, and a newborn.  I do NOT have the ____________ to give into the depression.  You fill in the blank.    Yes, I have another week to heal.  And I'm EXTREMELY grateful for it. 

  
  

  But, that does NOT mean things are gonna be 100% immediately.  I'm still gonna be struggling.   And if there's a way to help me stay a little bit even keeled while I get over the worst of the post-partum crud taking it seemed best for my family and for me.  

  
  

  My husband has been a SAINT!  He has done everything in this house for the last 2.5 weeks, and will continue to do so until next Wednesday.   And has already told me he will continue to do all the housework as long as I deem necessary.  I'm so greatful for this and for him.  Our anniversary is the 15th.  We will have been married 3 years.  3 years is such an incredibly short time. 

  
  

  And he has put up with a LOT.  Its time that we all have a little break from the dramatic.   My midwife has given me a very small dose of paxil.  She said that all it will do is lessen the lows and lessen the highs.  And quite frankly I NEED that right now.  My family needs it. 

  
  

  Their are other issues that I'm not comfortable sharing that are swirling around.  (Having to do with extended family)  I can't reveal them because I do NOT want to invade their privacy.   Life has been complicated around here to say the least.

  
  

  Do I feel defensive for this choice?  NOPE!  I feel incredibly at peace for making this decision.  The most peace I've felt since this whole thing began.    I had prayed a LOT about asking my midwife for it when I hit my 6 week checkup.....thinking that I would not be seeing her before then.    And asked God to allow me to see her if I needed help sooner.  He allowed it.  And she was wonderful!  She let me cry, told me it was okay to cry.  Gave me a hug & kiss, and said you will make it.  I'm not taking this medication to stop the tears.  I hope I still have some.  I'm not afraid of tears.  I'm afraid of the anger/panic I will have when I'm back in charge of my children. 

  
  

  Father God, I thank you so much for M visiting with me yesterday.  I ask that you continue to allow me to heal in your time.  I thank you for peace, and pray that you will allow me to continue to work through things at your pace.  In your sons name Amen

  • 10:16 pm
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