May 1, 2002

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    I lay in bed in the middle of the night.  Rob is on the couch sleeping with Rainee to give me a few extra minutes of sleep.  I wake up to realize the bedroom is empty.  And the fear course through my veins.  I'm alone.  Oh no.  And instantly I'm transported back to the hospital and the immediate hours after they helicoptered Rainee to Childrens.  Rob is sleeping off his sickness in the hallway.  The nurses have left me alone.  And its quiet all too quiet.  The baby that was safely fluttering in my stomache 24 hours ago is no longer doing that.   I'm alone.


    And then a still small voice reminds me now as it reminded me then.  No! you are not alone.  I'm still here.  God?  I ask, I'm sorry I forgot you were there.  Hold me tight.  And in the darkness of my bedroom I hold onto him oh so tightly.   I'm not alone.  God is there.  How do non-Christians cope?  I don't have a clue! 


    I will never be truely alone.  THANK YOU FATHER!   Defeat the lie that comes to haunt me.  I am NOT alone.  You are here.


      


    My stomache is flatter, I rub it in the darkness as it aches a little from the uterus contracting and getting smaller.  I realize once again that Rob has taken Rainee out.  And the scream in my head comes.  I WANT MY BABY!!!  I'm immediately transported back to the hospital.  And the cry that I cried on the phone while talking to Rob.  My baby is almost 24 hours old and I've not held her in my arms yet.  Just stroked her as she's covered in IV cords.  And then God says...breathe you have your baby.  I call Rob's name he here's me on the "mommy" monitor...the baby monitor put to another use.  Rainee is brought to me and I hold her tight.  Snuggle her to my breast stroke her and remember I have my baby.   Oh thank you God I have my baby.  Let this fear subside too. 


    God does NOT give us the spirit of fear, but of power of love and of a sound mind!  2 Timothy 1:7


    Satan tries to destroy me with these fears, but he cannot.  Because God is stronger.


    I'm scared.  I have one week to recover enough to take care of 5 children.  5 children?  How the heck did that happen.  4 years ago I was single, and lonesome.   I've only been married for just under 3.  How the heck did I end up with 5?  And how in the world am I who can't even stand up for more then 5 minutes at a time take care of 5 children.  I concentrate on the fear, I mull it over and over and over in my head.  Today I dwelt on it entirely too much.  The 7 days I have left to recover seem way too short. 


    I get a phone call.  A well meaning person calls to be sympathetic.  The fears in my head come to a head.  I mull things over way too much.  I had decided I was gonna go to Bible study, but after the phone call I want to crawl into a hole and hide.  If I go out in public I will have to deal with life.  I tell Rob I'm not going, he says fine, 5 minutes before its too late to go I say...quick lets go.  He bundles up the kids without questioning me and drives me to Bible Study.  I toddle in and sit on a nice rocking chair with 5 very safe women.   We are studying Genesis.  I have not shared my fears.  I am quiet.  I don't have the mental ability to talk much.  Rob keeps thinking I'm mad at him because I'm so quiet.    I finally told him today, it wasn't that...I just have nothing to say.  He understands.  I'm listening to Bible Study.  The words are swelling around my head.  But I'm not taking them in very well.  We are asked to turn to a passage of Scripture.  We're talking about Jacob wrestling with God.  We turn to 2 Corinthians.  In my Bible the words of Christ are red lettered.  There is only one verse red lettered.  It jumps out at me.  I read it tuning out what the women are saying/speaking/doing.  I'm taken back once again to the hospital.  But this time its a good memory.  It was after they'd taken Rainee to the nursery to continue to work on her breathing.  Before the announcement of a helicopter ride.  (I think)  I'm talking in a stadol induced haze, and I say to whoever was in the room (I don't even remember LOL)  That I'm so glad we had picked the middle name of Grace  because I just recieved a undeserved favor in God allowing her to live.  One of the nurses comes over and bends down and whispers in my ear....Remember "His grace is sufficient for you."   I hold onto that for the next couple days.  But forget it in the mundane of getting Rainee to nurse and trying to heal.   At Bible study today I opened my Bible and read..............


    2 Corinthians 12:9 And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. "


    His strength is there.  When next week comes he will provide the strength I need either by giving it to me or bringing people to help me take care of my kids.  HIs grace is sufficient. 


    I need not fear.  I need not fear being alone, loosing my baby, or not being able to take care of my kids.  Because God is here. 


          

Comments (9)

  • Isn't it great that we have a God that is bigger than our sitution? Who is stronger than our fears? Praise God. I love the pics.

  • I am sure God will give you the straight to be a great mother for all your 5 children. He alredy has.

  • Havinf those flash backs is quite normal after the experience you had.
    But you need to take care not to go into the routine of associating into your experience when you're doing somewhere else.

    Sit down two times a day and spend time talking about it or writing it down.
    And try to stay focused when you're doing something.

    This might seem difficult, but it can be learned.

    In this way you learn to seperate the past and the present.
    The past needs attention, a lot of attention, but it is you choosing that time.

    Don't sit and wait for something to happen.

    You need recovery, not stress of not knowing if you will be able to attend to everything next week.

    Phone around. Perhaps someone of the Bible study group can lend a hand, or knows someone who can.

    Please don't become dependent and depressed.

    You have a cute baby........ and a great camara and scanner!!!!! I love the pictures.

    Take each day and work towards a solution.

    huggggsssss

  • What a sweet little girl

  • Thanks for the pics! Rainee is beautiful, and she still has a lot of hair! You have 5 beautiful children already because God trusts that you will take care of them and raise them to be gracious, loving human beings. Each one is a blessing--you are extremely blessed! It is a lot of work, but God put them in your hands for a reason ~

  • They are lovely photos. Give yourself some time. It will all work out soon. :)

  • (((Hugs))) - 5 little blessings, I'd say.  Rainee is beautiful.

  • I was reading this on my SIR e-mail and boy am I getting hormonal!  Reduced to tears and praying for you and family I click to leave you a message and scroll up a little and there is that beautiful picture!!  You gals look so sweet!  I think I will call it a night because I couldn't get a more beautiful picture in my head than that sweet sleeping baby and her mama!  You truly have all of God's blessings!!

    Best Wishes,

  • Such sweet pictures. Sorry to hear about the distressing feelings. Maybe hormones?

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