April 22, 2002

• I need a place to vent.  A place to get my jumbled thoughts out.  I've been on move forward don't think, don't feel, do what needs to be done for an eternity.  I thought I could do my jumbled blog.  Get in bed and sleep and cuddle with my baby.  I can't.  I can't cry.  And I KNOW I need to.  So here's another blog right on top of the last one.  I start it out with a Praise Song

  
  

  Oh God you are my God,

  
  

  And I will ever praise you,

  
  

  I will seek you in the morning,

  
  

  I will learn to walk in your ways,

  
  

  For step by step you lead me,

  
  

  I will follow you all of my day.

  
  

  I will seek you in the morning.

  
  

  I will learn to walk in your way

  
  

  For step by step you lead me

  
  

  I will follow you all of my day.

  
  

  Thursday night I went to bed knowing my bedroom was painted, and things were ready for the baby.  But not really convinced that it was gonna happen yet. 

  
  

  Friday morning Kaylin woke up at 6 am.  She came and snuggled in bed with me and nursed for 45 minutes.  The sun was shining, and it was so comforting and so wonderful.  About 6:45 I headed out handed Kaylin to Rob and said I have to go to the bathroom can you hold her?   All of a sudden I looked down and a trickle was running down my leg.   Rob and I looked at each other and at the trickle.  And said...well then again maybe we WON"T be moving into the bedroom. 

  
  

  But the trickle stopped, and I thought oh maybe I was dreaming it.  We got up and started the day.  Planning on moving into the bedroom etc.  No more wetness, so I'm assuming I just had a over full bladder.  I start getting things ready to move into the bedroom, Rob is getting kids dressed etc.  Then about 8:15 gush.  Well I guess my water has officially broke.  We're excited.  I call the midwife.  While Rob is frantically moving stuff back into our bedroom.  The kids are ecstatic they get to go to grandmas and start emptying their drawers out into a laundry basket.  I quickly stall them on that one.    The midwife and I arrange to meet at 10.  We know there's no hurry as I'm not having any contractions yet.  (go figure of course) 

  
  

  We rush around pack for the kids.  My mom shows up.  She helps Rob finish moving stuff into the bedroom (still don't have a closet)  CAn't figure out what we did with the closet rod hangers    My 16 year old sister loads the kids in the car.  My mom volunteers to take the puppys too...we had been gonna get a neighbor to watch them. 

  
  

  At 9:40 we head to the midwifes.  She checks me yep definitely water broke   My pants are sopping wet.  ROFL

  
  

  Kids btw thought that mommy wetting her pants was HILAARIOUS!  And were in stitches over it.

  
  

  We check into the hospital about 10:15 after stopping to get cash.  I had asked to be put on the pit drip immediately rather then waiting to see if we could get contractions going.  This was the way my labor had gone last time.   So I knew pretty for certain that I wouldn't get anything going on my own, and all I'd be doing was wearing myself out. 

  
  

  It takes a couple hours for the contractions to get going. on pit.  I eat lunch.   But am "tied" to the bed as they have to monitor because of the pit.  About 1:30-2:00 I ask for the nurse to get the midwife as I'm having a hard time coping with the contractioons.  This was at the midwifes request...call me when things start "hurting". 

  
  

  Midwife comes, checks me no progress.  Still at almost 3 centimeters.  Contractions are strong but short.  4 in back 4 in front.  Never staying in front or back.  Very hard to manage because I never knew which part of me was gonna hurt. 

  
  

  They "let" me into the shower bending rules big time.  It was nice.  But all I really wanted to do was sleep in between them and I just could NOT  relax.  *sigh*  I'd had insomnia the night before and am functioning on precisely 2.5 hours of sleep.  So am already exhausted and the fun has not yet begun.

  
  

  Eventually about 4 or 5 in the afternoon she gives me some pills for pain.  They make me hyper.  GROWL.  I had told her they would.  *sigh*  Finally she gives me the morphine I'd asked for KNOWING it had worked last time.  She checks me first.  Still at barely 3 centimeters.  UGH!

  
  

  About 6:30 in the evening Rob is getting green around the gills.  All of a sudden he rushes to the bathroom and pukes.  He says hes drank too much coffee.  He hadn't.  He had got my stomache bug.  He proceeds to puke about every 15 minutes or so....becoming completely useless as my partner.  I want him so badly.  But he's not there for me.  He wants to be....but he's just so sick.  Finally my midwife escorts him down to the ER gets him priority service to get some help.  The phenagran knocks him completely out.  He stays passed out on the recliner chair for most of the rest of the night.

  
  

  We call my mom about 7:00 or so and ask her to come in and be my partner.  In the meantime I "bond" with the nurse and she is my partner.  I for whatever reason just couldn't relax with my midwife.  I did NOT have my "favorite" midwife...but still like her.  But I just couldn't get a rhythm going with her. 

  
  

  My mom comes in.  She HATES being in the l & D room.  But she does it because nobody else can.  She did a good job.  Just let me hold her hand and was EXTREMELY quiet. 

  
  

  I eventually get a second dose of morphine.  I am just not coping well with the pain this time.  I kept calling myself a failure for needing it.  Everybody tells me no your not.  etc, etc.  I don't really believe them.

  
  

  Before the second dose of morphine she checks me.  I'm at 4 centimeters.  *sigh*  I'm gonna be here forever.

  
  

  About 10:45 I feel finally the urge to push.  They give me the go ahead.  And turn the pit off.  I push.  Its going well.  But slowly.  They warn me baby will be sleepy because of the morphine not to worry.    Their prodding me on a bit, but not too much.  All of a sudden their saying you have to push NOW!  They put oxygen on me.  I hear them saying baby's heart beat is dropping, 50's 60s.  Page Dr H (my ped) 

  
  

  I tell myself this baby is coming out NOW!  She did in 1 push from head to toe.  Just like Kaylin did.  ONLY the cord is wrapped around her neck twice.    

  
  

  The baby is wisked to the warming room across the way.  Mary says you barely tore.  And then all of a sudden gush I'm bleeding everywhere.    Mary is panicking.  Get the ER Dr here now, call the OB dr.  I need help she says. 

  
  

  My mom is praying quietly.  I am crying RAinee wake up, wake up.  Come on cry, cry you got to we need you.  WE all need you.  I'm continuing to bleed It gets worse.  I start crying and praying loudly.  God  my family needs me don't do this.  My mom continues to pray.  I shout God! wake up people to pray for me.  Then I say mom go calll the prayer chain.  Go Go.  So she goes to find a phone.  Rob staggers out of the recliner chair for a second.  Aware that he's very possible of loosing both of us.  But can't do anything about it.  Goes and lays back down.  may he never take phenagran again.  They give me 3 different kinds of shots to stop the bleeding.  My hips are hurting bad being spread out this long.  And I know I have no choice. 

  
  

  They get Rainee stabalized..but on oxygen.  Bring her over to me to touch her..but NOT hold her.  And take her to the nursery.  Get my bleeders stopped.  Ob doctor gives me stadol without  asking me.  He is NOT my doctor...just the one on call.  .  I think I HATE him for this part of me is greatful as it numbs me for what came next. .  As the rest of the night is a haze of conversations.  I had to make major decisions trying to push the drug away.

  
  

  The next thing I remember is DR H and my mom coming back in.  Rainee has had a seizure.  Her lungs are very wet.  They have her stabalized.  But if anything else goes wrong this hospital is NOT equipped to help her.  They want to helicopter her to SEattle.   I scream, no its a nightmare.  And start crying.  They say no its not a nightmare.  and it needs to be done.  I continue to cry softly.  I cry Rob I need you.  He just lays there staring blankly.   I pray. 

  
  

  I start to sing Praise songs.  And I continued to sing Praise songs for several hours.  The one I typed at the top I sang OVER and OVER adn OVER.  

  
  

  My bleeding had been from my cervix.  3 bleeders.  They had to clamp them off and stitch them.  I am told I will have a LONG recovery time.  I don't care..I just want my baby...and their flying her away shortly.

  
  

  They arrange for me to see her in the nursery.  By rolling a guerny with me on it into the nursery.  I stroke her with my hand.  A box with oxygen going on it is over her head.  I have pictures of her...I had the sense to take them even in my drugged haze.  I ask if I can send the blanket I brought for her.   They say yes.   I sob as I hold onto the blanket.  I wanted to hold her in it.  And I don't want to give up the blanket.  I'm so terrified that this is the only thing I will ever have of hers....and I'm giving it up.  I'm almost keep it to hold onto.   I wanted this baby so badly....and she's so quiet, and not crying.  She lets out a little waa.  And I say thats a good girl cry again.    The time passed in hours, but was only minutes.  They wheel me to my room.  I don't know where Rob is.  I want him so badly.

  
  

  At one point when I was waiting in the L&D before seeing Rainee he was just laying there and I say in my drugged haze "How come your so stupid just laying there."  Part of me still wonders that.  And I've distanced myself from Rob since then.  I know I shouldn't.  And I'm desperately hoping I can cry tonight with him....I NEED to I have to.

  
  

  They bring Rainee into my room.  All boxed up.  The paramedics who are flying her are AWESOME.  WE take more pictures... I stroke her and cry.  My pastor and his wife are there.  They have showed up earlier.  They pray with me and Rainee.  Pastor follows down to take pictures of the helicopter taking off for me.   his wife stays and talks.  I'll be eternally grateful for the distraction.

  
  

  I lay in my room.  My mom comes to say goodbye.  She's headed to Seattle to be with Rainee.  Rob is laying in recliner chair out in hall way.  I want him so badly.  I call him...but he won't come.  He won't come.  I have no baby.  I remember I have a second baby blanket.  I ask for it.  After what seems like hours someone brings it I hug it and continue to sing praise songs.  Step by step he leads me, Step by step he leads me, STep by step he leads me.  I know that Rainee's middle name Grace means God's undeserved favor.  I pray so hard for one last favor.   His strength is perfect when our stregnth is gone.  I sing this song many times too.  

  
  

  Finally Rob comes in.  He wants to lay on the cot.  I beg him please touch me I need to touch you.  He comes over.  I cry and cry.  I apologize so many times for Rainee not being healthy.  He tells me to shut up it was NOT my fault.  But if I hadn't taken the morhphine...he says it is NOT the morphine.   Then goes and lays down and goes to sleep.  I follow him shortly.

  
  

  Have to go to the bathroom several times through the night.  Too tired to get out of bed.  Nurse helps me use the bed pan.  Towards morning I realize if I'm gonna get to see Rainee I'm gonna have to get better FAST!  Pray for a miracle from God.  at 6 am I decide to use bathroom by myself (nurse there to make sure I can)  I stand up am not shaky and do NOT hurt.  I am amazed.  

  
  

  I do my thing and get into bed go to sleep for another hour.  Rob wakes up.  Finally shook the stupid #$@*#(&#*@$&#@(* drug.  He's gonna head to Seattle.  We talk for less then 5 minutes because we both want him over there with the baby.   He heads out.  I'm alone. 

  
  

  VERy, very, very alone.

  
  

  But God.  That was all I had.

  
  

  Crucified, rejected and alone,

  
  

  He lived to die

  
  

  trampeled like a rose. 

  
  

  God was there.

  
  

  Rob comes back from the house bringing me a couple things I needed and heads out.  My sister arrives shortly thereafter and stays til 1 in the afternoon.  She'd decided I shouldd not be alone she was right.  I slept quite a bit but we also talked.

  
  

  Always avoiding the subject that I have a baby.  We get repeated calls from Seattle.  Rainee's doing fine.  Rainee's off oxygen.  They need to do head scans,  Head scans are ok.  Rainee's screaming.  They gave Rainee pacifier.  (I swore she'd never have one)  But nobody's there to suck on....so she has to suck on anything.  They can't let her eat.   She has to prove her organs are ok.  She's crying they say. 

  
  

  I stuff it all. 

  
  

  My sister leaves I sleep all afternoon to praise music which my sister had brought me at my request.  My sil comes in the evening to distract me.  She does a good job.  Rob calls about 8:00 I finally cry again.  He just lets me cry.  He tells me about Rainee.  I cry.  Its not fair I want my baby.  

  
  

  My midwife comes in just as the conversation is finished.  She says I'm doing great.  My humatecrant is about 7 so tomorrow morning I can go see my baby.  If I promise to be very very very good.  I'd promise pretty much anything at this stage.   My midwife gives me something to sleep with..another answer to prayer as I was just wishing I had asked for something.  She does all the discharge papers that night, so we can get a early start.

  
  

  The next morning bil & sis come and we drive & get to see Rainee.  I hold her I love her, I touch her.  And never let her go.  WE struggle with nursing.  Mostly we're doing ok.

  
  

  I have a Lactation consultant coming tomorrow to help with the bugs.  My milk has come in.

  
  

  I'm home.

  
  

  I still need to cry.  And well...I need prayer.

  
  

  I will be trusting God.  He has worked many miracles.  The "spot" they saw is not there.  God removed it.  I believe that.  I'm home, my baby's home.  2 days ago Rob thought he was loosing both of us.   

  
  

  God is good.  All the time.  All the time God is good. 

  
  

  I believe it.  I'm holding onto it. 

  
  

  Please pray for me.  AS pp stuff is here.  And I'm tired.

  
  

  The next thing I remember after him giving

  • 11:09 pm
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