Peace in my heart.  For weeks I've been struggling for it.  Small things have set me in a tizzy. 

And then Yesterday happened.  And you know what.  The small things pale. 

And I finally have peace in my heart.  I made decisions to end a relationship.

I made a decision to not hide my e-mail addy anymore. 

And I have peace.  Is that weird.  In the midst of terrible awful caos I found peace?

I let the internet rule my life.  And my family suffered for it.  I have made several very GOOD friends on the internet. 

But I've also met a fruitcake or two.  Some people I'd LOVE to meet in real life.  And one or two scarey individuals--I'm glad I don't know. 

I stepped back from the net for 5 days.  And found I missed it.  But what did I miss?

I missed aiming with a couple people.  And I missed inspiring my brain & making it think.

Mommy's tend to forget to think when their home all day with toddlers.  Its mommybrain.  The internet takes some of that away for me.

But their's always bad with the good.  And I needed to learn to say no to things.  So when its my kids bedtime...instead of scrimping on it so I can get back to my aim conversations--I'll say be back in 10 minutes if your still here.

And if I'm feeling grumpy....I may not turn on aim.  Or I may tell a aim acquaintance---this is NOT a good time.

I need to be more honest--and I need to set boundarys. 

Unfortunately somedays when you set boundarys.  People don't understand and they get hurt.  I did that today.  I hurt someone.

I'm sorry.  Not for what I said or did.  Because that I feel at peace about.  I'm sorry you got hurt.  I wish I had been more honest a LONG time ago. 

I tried...but I always caved.  The aim conversations I enjoy the most are the ones with people who set their own boundarys.  And say---I'm gonna go nurse my baby to sleep--I'll be back in a bit if your still here.  PRIORITIES.

I've never had to set boundarys on something like the internet before.  It such a surreal thing.   Their my friends, and yet...I've never even seen a picture of many of the people I talk to.   I've tried so hard to treat the people I've met over the internet as "real", but something is not quite there somedays.

How do you describe friendship?  How are you at being friends? 

My closest friends have always been people whom I KNOW do NOT get offended easily.  Because well...um I have a big mouth.  LOL  They've also always been people who have some things in common with me.  Not necessarily tons, but enough.  They usually share my relationship with God.  Friendships are usually a give & take.  And some days you do more taking then giving.  And some days you do more giving then taking.  And that is ok. 

I've learned through the years of friendship.  To let go of a LOT of things.  To not care if a person does not hold beliefs the same as mine.  to agree to disagree.  To do more taking then giving some days.  To be willing to be a listening ear.  But I'm also learning some days you have to tell friends no!  And that is the hardest of all.  I think that is even where the rubber meets the road.   And you know what I have to learn to take no too.

Friend,  I enjoyed our relationship.  I hope you learned & grew from it.  I enjoyed the give & take.  I'm sorry I can't be there for you anymore.  I'm not strong enough right now.  Maybe in the future, when so much is NOT going on in my life.  We can pick up pieces.  For now...I can't.  I"M SO SORRY. 

 What I wanted to say..............but said SO much better. 

America: The Good Neighbor.

Widespread but only partial news coverage was given recently to a remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a Canadian television commentator. What follows is the full text of his
trenchant remarks as printed in the Congressional Record:

"This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the earth.

Germany, Japan and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in billions of dollars and forgave other billions in debts. None of these
countries is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to the United States.

When France was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the Americans who propped it up, and their reward was to be insulted and swindled on the streets of
Paris. I was there. I saw it.

When earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the United States that hurries in to help. This spring, 59 American communities were flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped.

The Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries are writing about the decadent, warmongering Americans.

I'd like to see just one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplane. Does any other country in the
world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet,the Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas DC10? If so, why don't they fly them? Why do all the International lines except Russia fly American Planes? Why does no
other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman on the moon?

You talk about Japanese technocracy, and you get radios.

You talk about German technocracy, and you get automobiles.

You talk about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon - not once, but several times - and safely home again.

You talk about scandals, and the Americans put theirs right in the store window for everybody to look at. Even their draft-dodgers are not pursued and hounded.
They are here on our streets, and most of them, unless they are breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at home to spend here.

When the railways of France, Germany and India were breaking down through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them. When the Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody loaned them an old
caboose. Both are still broke.

I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone else raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was outside help even
during the San Francisco earthquake.

Our neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of hearing them get kicked around. They will come out of this thing with their flag high. And when they do, they are entitled to thumb their nose at the lands that are gloating
over their present troubles. I hope Canada is not one of those."

"Stand proud, America!"

This blog is for me.  So please be nice. LOL

I'm so UNIMPRESSED with the comments I hear from people who say we should NOT retaliate.  Or start typing this rhetoric of pacifism.  BLUCH< BLUCH< BLUCH< BLUCH

There are times for peace, and there are times for war.  I think some war is called for now. 

I personally liked the person who said..."I used to be a pacifist but after yesterday...NO LONGER."

Those people in the WTC were innocent.  They need defending.  Those terrorists are NOT innocent.  They made some very awful choices---and they need to understand the consequences.

  My family has a candle burning tonight.  My children, my husband and I stood together and said a prayer.  Share the picture.  Pray today.  Pray, pray, pray. 

Oh and if you feel you can't pray, and you NEED peace. Please, please, please contact me.  Let me pray for you.  My aim name is Rainydame.  I do NOT normally do this...but I grieve for all.  So today I open myself for you to contact me. 

Tonia

The appropriate icon for this day.

Borrowed from Photo Pete's site.

All prayer goes to those in Washington D.C. and New York.

Good morning,  I'm typing with a cranky 18 month old on my lap.  Who thought sleep was HIGHLY overrated.  She slept, but in very short stages.  Its a good thing I slept about half of yesterday away   Or otherwise, I'd be completely exhausted as it is I'm only half exhausted.

Do you think it would be okay to give her a sleeping pill?? 

Anyhoo, today is church.  And Rob actually gets to go!  One of his 3 annual visits.  *sigh*  The only time he gets to go to morning church is if he takes the day off.  He has the week off right now. 

This afternoon the kids will be going to grandma & grandpa's.  And mom & dad will be driving over to the State Fair.  Hopefully it will be fun.  Its one of our last flings before James comes.   Not that we know when he's coming.  Its also our way of celebrating my 30th birthday which is Monday. 

My husband doesn't get the birthday thing.  And I'm 98% sure unless I pitch a fit this will be all I get for my birthday.  I am a party person--he is NOT.  Oh well, at least he always do something special for me.  So I guess I'll try not to poubt. *sigh*

Its better then my first birthday after we got married. No party, no cake, and the only gift was smelly lotion--and I HATE stinky stuff.  Oh yes and I was 9 weeks prego and hormonal.  So my theme song for the day was---Its' my party I'll cry if I want to.  (LOL)   So this time I'll be 8 weeks prego......and I'll probably do the same. HEHEHE

Well the big kids are up now.  Quiet is gone.  Not that I had any this morning.  The sunrise is beautiful this morning.  And hopefully the day will be too.

See you all when I get back!

Father God, I'm trying so hard not to give into the hormones.  Allow me to have peace.  Allow the situation at church to be one of peace.  I CAN"T deal with the friction of the nursery this week.  So, please let it NOT NOT NOT be an issue.  Its weird to have Rob home for church and mess up our routine.  So please allow me to be patient with that.  I LOVE you.  In your son's name amen. 

Good morning.  Well, I think I've finally found peace again.  (YEAH!)

I was totally lazy yesterday, and it was really nice!  My nieces will be here in a bit to play, and my kids will enjoy that.  Except for the occasional squabble Samuel has with them. 

Daddy will be putting the OSB up on the walls.  He finished the insulation yesterday.  Hopefully he will also get the T 1 11 up on the one wall we had to completely remove. 

There IS an end in sight (YEAH!)

E-mailed several people yesterday.  And yes Sara  HTH is "safe".   I still am taking a little sabatical from posting.

My priorities got screwed up.  And my family paid for it.   That CAN"T happen again.

Father God, as the kids are running around today keep them safe.  Let Samuel and the girls get along and NOT pick on each other.  Please enable Kelly to get a lot of unpacking done today.  And to get her house feeling like hers as quickly as possible.  Let Rob get all the he wants done today as quickly as possible.  And keep him safe, and don't let him get over tired.  Thank you for his mini-vacation this week to get all of this stuff done.  I love you!  And I thank you for peace.  Please Father, let me stay peaceful, and to focus on my family today--and leave my internet friends on the internet   I love you in your sons name Amen.

Tonia

Daddy's bathing babies today, and then we're gonna tuck them in and watch tv.  I finally broke down and ordered a Satellite dish.  ZERO tv reception out here.  So hopefully out of 45 channels we can find something to watch. LOL

I bowed to the porcelain god this morning. (YUCK)  And wished I could a couple other times today.  I've eaten very little, and laid very low.  My kids have been VERy patient with mommy today.

Kaylin bit me nursing this morning.  Which she hasn't done in quiet awhile.  I started bawling.  I love the hormones that come with pregnancy.

My brother & sil have all there stuff moved into there house.  But not unpacked.  I can't help unpack because it means adding my 3 kids to the mix.  So there 2 girls will come over tomorrow and entertain mine.  Your probably thinking I'm nuts, but in many ways this will make my day easier, because they will have something to do.

Besides they've helped us BIG time on our project, so we need to return the favor.

Subway cooked dinner tonight.  I ate half of a half of a foot-long.  Its about the only food that appeals to me.  But I wasn't very hungry even at that.

Oh well I can eat some on it tomorrow too   And at least it STAYS in my stomache.  I love those pepperchini's and pickles. MMMM MMMM.

We took Samuel over to my moms and borrowed her hair clipper.  My brother (14) gave Sam a buzz.  He's now VERY bald.  But it was the only thing to do to remedy the hairdo.

Kaylin's hair.  Well we'll just leave it alone.  You can see it was cut, but it doesn't look horrid, just kinda like it was layered.  Zeria only managed to wack 2 or 3 pieces off it, because Kaylin screamed bloody murder at it.

I told Zeria I should cut her braids off today.  (When I was sane)  She was NOT impressed with that.  So I made her apologize to all involved.  And she did, and was "sad".  So hopefully no more haircutting incidents.

About the internet problem.  I do NOT know what to do about it.  The individual is LYING.  She is deliberately trying to pick a fight with me.  A couple others have recognized it. 

So do I just walk away from the 2 sites that I enjoy.  And let her win?  But they help me so much in keeping sane. 

Do I walk away from the "bigger" site, and stay in the one where I KNOW the owner of the site will NOT let her get away with her garbage. 

Do I confront her with e-mail once and for all, and tell her why I'm so peeved at her.  But then she'll have my e-mail addy.  And I'm fairly proud of myself...that she LOST it. LOL

I was even the subject of talk on a "BAD" site a venting site.  .  And there on my side.  No I don't go to this site--but somebody sent me the thread.  And now I'm even more ANGRY.  Because people whom I thought were "nice" and trust worthy.  Are posting on the site...and that site is EVIL! IMHO.  I felt like I needed a bath after seeing it. Foul mouths, bad pictures, and just rude.

So now I'm feeling more vulnerable.  I guess its dumb.  I knew the internet had "bad" people.  I just didn't expect the ones who said they were good to have a different persona.  KWIM?

So for at least another day or two or three I will NOT post on any of them.  Though contemplating going back to HTH which is password protected.  So I'm semi safe there. 

I am safe there.  I'm safe in my house.  What is the worst they can do send vile e-mails?  I can delete those.  I CAN"T live my life in fear!  I WON"T. 

Still need a break to get my equillibrium back though.

Well, unless Zeria has a amazing turn-about we will NOT be doing soccer after all.  I bundled the kids up.  Hats and coats loaded them into the van today to go to soccer.  Zeria was fine.

We got to the soccer field Zeria was fine.  They played on the swings for a few minutes.  Zeria was fine.

Then it was time for practice to start.  Zeria heads over to the field.  She's fine.

Her "best" friend wasn't there.  But she knew the other kids from the last practice.  The coach asks her to kick the ball.  And she breaks down in sobs. 

And she sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed.  I comforted her, threatened her, bribed her.

She does NOT want to play soccer, not even for a candy bar.  I can burn her soccer stuff if I want (she says)  She's not playing.

Y don't you want to play.  (No answer)  just more sobs.

*sigh*

I get her to kick the ball to me on the sideline--she's giggling and playing.  And doing a good job.

So I suggest maybe we can go over to where the team is and she can kick the ball to me there.

She goes....she gets in line.  She starts sobbing.

*sigh*

I'm tired.  She sobbed most of the way home.  We left about 30 seconds after the last sob.

She didn't have a nap today...but she's kinda growing out of them.

Y didn't she want to play--she's not talking.  *sigh*

Now what......  *sigh*