September 21, 2001
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Morning' Its pouring down rain outside...And I need to leave in 10 minutes to go clean out the nursery so Service Master can clean there.
I'm feeling miserable today inside and out.
I'm tired. Tired of dealing with conflict. Tired of having to stand up for myself, and set boundarys.
And I'm lonesome. Terribly lonesome.
I'm sorry this is a downer blog. But when I started my blog I said I would whine occasionally--please move on if your looking for something cheerful this morning.
My husband has been working none stop either at work or on the house. I know its necesary. But I miss him.
My last pregnancy he babied me, and we celebrated. This one we're too busy to hardly acknowledge the fact I'm pregnant.
But it doesn't change the fact I am. He's trying hard...but there's just too much to do.
It seems everytime I open my mouth anymore I'm putting my foot in it. Well not quite. LOL But close.
I have 3 GOOD online friends. One from New Zealand. 2 from here. And yet I'm never satisified. LOL I'm pathetic.
Why have I finally given into the fact that I'm lonesome. I guess the biggest is I turned 30 on the 10th. One day before the U.S. had its major disaster. And not a single real life friend acknowledged it. Not one. Because I'm not "close enough to them."
Growing up I had a Best friend. Someday I will blog about her in detail. We were AWESOME friends. We still would be I'm sure...except she lives in Calgary, Alberta now. And its just too hard to maintain a distant relationship.
In college I had a Best friend. And someday I will blog about her in detail. We still call occasionally. But she lives in Manitoba now. And our lives have changed. We would probably never be as close. Because quite frankly--I don't like her kids very much--which is a TERRIBLE thing to say.
Since coming home from college. In 1993. I've had NO close friends. I have some friends at church that I at least visit with. But we all have our own busy lives. And I guess things just never go anywhere. One lady I knew we could connect up with. But I tried, and tried, and tried to get together...and she always backed out.
The lady i connect with most has 5 kids and is 20 years older then me. And is too busy to leave her own house. So we have awesome, all be it short visits when we can at church, or Awana etc.
I enjoyed the net because it gave me the ability to make friendships and be at home with my kids.
But now the Jr. High intrigue comes into play. And please ladies...I'm not mad. I'm dealing. And I hesitated to even blog about it.....But 2 of my boards have gone through upheavals lately, and the 3rd has always been an upheaval. LOL So this was not a "safe" outlet after all.
And I'm lonesome. Yes, Sarah and Kayte I enjoy your friendships. And I desperately wish we did live on opposite ends of the country. But as its not gonna happen. God, I want a close friend who lives here. Is that too much to ask for? Because I've been begging God for 10 years, and the answer keeps seeming to be no.
And I'm tired.
Gotta go in 1 minute. And I'm so not ready to face this day.
Its raining cats & dogs outside. And the rain is coming down my face. Please. Doesn't anybody around here want to be my friend?
Comments (3)
Aw, cheer up. Nothing feels worse than loneliness, I know... especially when you feel you give, give, give ,but you're not getting what you need back.
I'm sure your hormones are playing a big part in your feeling sad, today. And exhaustion, no doubt... you have so much on your plate. Please try to get an hour just for yourself somewhere... Maybe your husband can take a break on his work and give this time you need to you if you impress on him how depressed you're feeling. I kwym about friends... I had to do some soul searching myself because I was feeling very let down by so many people at one point in my life last year... and I made a conscious effort now to nurture my real life friends as much or more than I do my online ones... Online friendships seem so much easier for some reason... but it's important to build relationships outside too... I'm still trying real hard at that! Sometimes I do well, others I neglect that effort... Good luck... I hope you're feeling more positive soon. 
People really do care!
Oh, sweetie, I wish I could make this all better for you. I so understand what you are going through. I have such a hard time meeting people and making friends IRL. Right now the only good friend I have IRL is my dh. I so wish I lived closer to you, because I too struggle with the same things you do. I habve such a hard time opening up to people and trusting because I have been burned so badly in the past. I think everyone struggles with loneliness in their lives. We all just have different ways of dealing with it. I don't have any answers for you right now so I will just give you {{{hugs}}} and tell you that you are one exceptional lady and anyone who is your friend, online or IRL, will know the most tremendous gift.
Prayers for you. I have had times of lonliness as well. I so understand how you feel. When times of feeling loney hit look up, and he will lift you up.
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