September 12, 2001

  • Peace in my heart.  For weeks I've been struggling for it.  Small things have set me in a tizzy. 


    And then Yesterday happened.  And you know what.  The small things pale. 


    And I finally have peace in my heart.  I made decisions to end a relationship.


    I made a decision to not hide my e-mail addy anymore. 


    And I have peace.  Is that weird.  In the midst of terrible awful caos I found peace?


    I let the internet rule my life.  And my family suffered for it.  I have made several very GOOD friends on the internet. 


    But I've also met a fruitcake or two.  Some people I'd LOVE to meet in real life.  And one or two scarey individuals--I'm glad I don't know. 


    I stepped back from the net for 5 days.  And found I missed it.  But what did I miss?


    I missed aiming with a couple people.  And I missed inspiring my brain & making it think.


    Mommy's tend to forget to think when their home all day with toddlers.  Its mommybrain.  The internet takes some of that away for me.


    But their's always bad with the good.  And I needed to learn to say no to things.  So when its my kids bedtime...instead of scrimping on it so I can get back to my aim conversations--I'll say be back in 10 minutes if your still here.


    And if I'm feeling grumpy....I may not turn on aim.  Or I may tell a aim acquaintance---this is NOT a good time.


    I need to be more honest--and I need to set boundarys. 


    Unfortunately somedays when you set boundarys.  People don't understand and they get hurt.  I did that today.  I hurt someone.


    I'm sorry.  Not for what I said or did.  Because that I feel at peace about.  I'm sorry you got hurt.  I wish I had been more honest a LONG time ago. 


    I tried...but I always caved.  The aim conversations I enjoy the most are the ones with people who set their own boundarys.  And say---I'm gonna go nurse my baby to sleep--I'll be back in a bit if your still here.  PRIORITIES.


    I've never had to set boundarys on something like the internet before.  It such a surreal thing.   Their my friends, and yet...I've never even seen a picture of many of the people I talk to.   I've tried so hard to treat the people I've met over the internet as "real", but something is not quite there somedays.


    How do you describe friendship?  How are you at being friends? 


    My closest friends have always been people whom I KNOW do NOT get offended easily.  Because well...um I have a big mouth.  LOL  They've also always been people who have some things in common with me.  Not necessarily tons, but enough.  They usually share my relationship with God.  Friendships are usually a give & take.  And some days you do more taking then giving.  And some days you do more giving then taking.  And that is ok. 


    I've learned through the years of friendship.  To let go of a LOT of things.  To not care if a person does not hold beliefs the same as mine.  to agree to disagree.  To do more taking then giving some days.  To be willing to be a listening ear.  But I'm also learning some days you have to tell friends no!  And that is the hardest of all.  I think that is even where the rubber meets the road.   And you know what I have to learn to take no too.


    Friend,  I enjoyed our relationship.  I hope you learned & grew from it.  I enjoyed the give & take.  I'm sorry I can't be there for you anymore.  I'm not strong enough right now.  Maybe in the future, when so much is NOT going on in my life.  We can pick up pieces.  For now...I can't.  I"M SO SORRY.