Month: August 2001

  • Good morning.  I have a weeks worth of housework to do today.  (YUCK)  I guess I'll sift through and pick the most important stuff.  I also have to run into Wal-mart with 3 kids in tow (yikes)  And pick up some stuff for Zeria's very late bday party.  Her and a friend have bdays 2 weeks apart so we're gonna give them a joint party tonight.  We had conflicts up until now, so tonights' the night.  It should be fun.  And their family is such that doesn't care if the house is super clean so I don't have to stress too much.


    I DO HAVE to get some laundry done though as Rob's out of workclothes. *sigh*


    Samuel's starting the day out with tantrums.  I hope it isn't a sign as to how the day goes. (PLEASE)  


    The Bestest thing that happened last night was I got 11 hours of sleep with only 2 interruptions.  1 to nurse Kaylin, and 1 to get Zeria something for her night cough.  This is a good thing considering how many interruptions I've had lately.  Sigh I remember when I used to sleep the whole night.


    I finally told somebody in real life about James.  Been so busy hadn't talked to any of my friends.  I guess part of me really really really doesn't want to face their, oh my poor dear you'll be so busy.  And are you sure you can handle it, and so on.  Rejoice with me, instead of the pity.  Thank you very much. 


    And please oh please don't call my kids birth mom names in front of them.  I know she deserves them, but my kids don't.  And I don't need to go into their lifestory with complete strangers its none of your business.  HMM did I get that out of my system yet? lol


    The fear of the day is Aunt Flo is due and hasn't arrived yet.  Part of me sincerly hopes I'm pregnant.  And part of me is terrified that I might be pregnant.  And then another part of me knows Rob and I need to reevaluate our lack of birth control, or decide to truely trust God.  Problems, Questions, HMM...I think I'll just let this one go for now.


    Father God, today I have a choice.  I can stress about the things that need to be done or I can just do them.  I can get grumpy when my kids stop to smell the roses or I can join them.  Allow me to be relaxed.  And for things to come together very smoothly.  I love you,


    Tonia

  • This entry will be personal...and I hope you can bear with me as I sort out my emotions.


    I'm so eager to get James.  This is how I will refer to my kids brother.  I want him so badly.


    And yet a part of me is so ANGRY. I'm P.O'd that I couldn't get him when he was fresh and clean a newborn.  Instead if cps has their way it will probably be at the very least 3 more months of redtape.  He may already be walking for crying out loud.


    Instead of letting me have him, somebody else is watching his first smile, his first crawl, his first clapping of hands. 


    Instead of him being in my womb he was in somebody elses.  Somebody who didn't care.  Somebody who didn't rejoice in each new movement. The first hiccoughs inside your womb.  I didn't get those.  She did, and she chose to walk away from him.  How terrible of a person can you be???


    A long time ago or so it seems to me I made the announcement I would not be adopting anymore, because their was too much heart-break, too many tears.  Too much fear of the unknown.  And God convicted me of not trusting him, and not letting him work.  I was so freed when I realized that was what the problem was.


    I told God your will be done.  And exactly one week later I received a call saying James was born.  A newborn I said with a sigh...still in the throes of enjoying my 8 month old.  I wanted this one too...I wanted him sooooo badly!  But cps in their infinite stupidity decided a woman who had deliberately abandoned one at a time 8 babies had the "RIGHT" to try to raise another one.


    I told them it wasn't gonna work.  They said she's doing so well.  I told them the Judge ordered that she never be allowed to raise another child.  They said, Judges aren't allowed to make those kind of orders.  I think in my head---who do you think you are god?  to defy a court order.  But I could say nothing.


    My husband and I prayed, and decided to get our paperwork in order so that when not if he was abandoned he could come straight to us.  Our caseworker called down their to tell them that.  She called us and said oh your wasting your money, don't bother.  The mom is doing SOO well and SHE"S SOOOOo wonderful bla-bla-bla-bla. 


    So we went against our better judgment and didn't do the paperwork.  If we had done it...we could have James within the next month.


    Instead we have to just begin it.  And while we go take Tb tests, and Aids tests, and fill out Criminal Background checks, and wait for some mousey little government aide to decide to check our paperwork...this baby sits in a foster home.


    Is it a good foster home...a bad one??  Is he safe??  I'm missing so much.   I want him NOW.  Why didn't I listen to myself and my husband and spend the money that seemed so risky.  We could have had him sooner.


    Why doesn't God allow me to love them when their fresh?


    Because, it takes a stronger person to love them when their hurting.  To walk with them for hours as they scream that a stranger is holding them.  To take the stares people give me when they see my rainbow family.  And the oh my dear I have no idea how you do it kinda comments. 


    I dreamed of going to the MIssion field.  And working in some hidden tribe.  Saving them all (of course)  And coming back a hero.


    Instead my Father, my God has called me to love what somebody else abandoned.  And I will, I will LOVE HIM with all my heart.  But why can't I start now.


    As I reminded myself a few blogs back. God's timing.  Thats all...God's timing.  I don't understand it...I want to scream at it.  But I know that God brought Rob to me in the worlds BEST timing, and I would have never appreciate him so much if he'd come sooner or later.


    God you are in control.  You placed Zeria and Samuel in a awesome foster home.  you can do this for James. Please, oh please keep him safe.  Cut the red tape.  Cause miracles.  And let us get him in your timing.  Your plan.  And please God, let me trust you, and rejoice in you, instead of giving into the anger and the hurt.  Let me be a witness, not a detriment.


    In your sons name.  Amen

  • Well as plans change ours did many times.  It began to rain as we got closer to his job.  So we changed plans several times and ended up in a motel.  Sorry Rainee forgot my camera. (GROWL)  Also my thyroid medication (DUMB) 


    Kaylin decided sleep was highly overrated and did not fall asleep until 12:30 and slept til 4:30 am. 


    We came home to the county fair it was a lot of fun.  When I regain some energy from chasing 3 toddlers all over I'll tell you about it  


    Anyhoo its still raining so we don't want to camp, so Rob found a way to temporarily fix the car and we will stay home for the rest of the weekend (thank goodness--it all and all was a ill-fated trip)


    We stopped at our adoption caseworkers today.  Filled out our criminal background checks and get them sent in as this will be the thing that takes the longest.  Talked for seconds to the cps caseworker.  Have to admit I'm having a hard time being P.C. with her.  I can do this really I can!  Government caseworkers (at least the ones I've had the misfortunate to work with think their god--nough said)


    Will fill out as much paperwork as possible this weekend.  But not tonight, I might say I was an axe murderer or something tonight.


    Come back when my eyes are open lol

  • Can't get ahold of the caseworker until tomorrow. *sigh*


    Rob's car tire just gave out.  We can't replace it until Monday.  So the kids and I are going on the spur of the moment camping trip out by his job.  This way I'll still have a vehicle.  And Rob will have a way home.   Keep the 'net warm for me ladies.


    I think this is a good thing.  If I stay home all I'm gonna do is obsess about everything that there is to do, but we can't do until we here from the caseworker.


    Tomorrow's our county fair, so we'll run in to go to that, and stop at home and get what we missed in our rush pack job.


    Miss you all

  • Jeremiah23This is what the LORD says: "Let not the wise man gloat in his wisdom, or the mighty man in his might, or the rich man in his riches. 24Let them boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the LORD who is just and righteous, whose love is unfailing, and that I delight in these things. I, the LORD, have spoken!


    OH Father the next weeks/months are gonna be hectic.  And the only only way I can handle them is for you to carry me through them.  Please HELP!  Don't let me forget to delight in you to rest in you during the hurry and skurry.  Please protect J as he lives in the foster home.  And please, let us cut a mountain of red tape miraculously fast.  I need you Lord.  He needs you.  Please don't let us wait 6 months or 9 months or whatever.   He needs a permanent home.


    Please show us how/when to tell the "big" kids about the new brother & the possibilities of him coming to live with him.  And please Lord let them handle the new baby smoothly and with joy.  Help me to treasure the moments of three children before another one comes bounding into our life.


    Help us to be extremely wise with finances.  We're gonna be cutting pennys 3 ways for awhile.  Our backbedroom needs to be finished YESTERDAY.  Father, I pray that you would give us the wisdom, strength, and money needed for this.  The biggest thing of course is the new floor. 


    Put it on peoples hearts to help us with our "barn" raising.  And let things go super duper smoothly.  I love you.  I love your answers.  I want the baby in my arms so badly.  Amen


    Many, many, many things to do.  Dr's checkup for Rob, TB test & aids test for him.  Criminal background checks (again) Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.


    The first step is several phone calls.  Please Lord, let the women be in their offices, and things to go extremely smoothly!  TIA   After that I'll find out the second step....show us Lord, please.


    The first step for the house is to relocate the junk thats in the Lean-to.  I'd like to do that today if at all possible.  Please give me the energy. 


    I love you Lord.  you are in control of all, and in all.  I give you this baby's life, my son I hope.  And ask you to prepare the way before us.  And make our paths straight.  And let us enjoy our other kids in the midst of this.


    Thank you for the fun time taking the kids to the restaurant at lunch.  They were hillarious--even if we did have the worlds worst worst waitress.  Thank you for the snuggle time even in the midst of my grumps.   I LOVE YOU! Tonia



     

  • Okay..so the longing for the baby was God designed.  My kids birth brother's mom has just abandoned him! :( :( :(


    Which means we're gonna get him.  Not sure how soon praying for many miracles that it will happen soonest!  Please join me in prayer, that much redtape will be cut quickly, and he will live in Foster care as little as possible.  Thank you very very much!

  • This is where Rob and I parked to eat ice cream last night   It was so quiet and peaceful. 



    And this is another angle from the same place



    I went shopping this morning (without kids   And found this outfit for Kaylin.  Its sooooo cute.  Still can't get good kids shots yet.  *sigh*  Its too bright, or too dark.  Oh yes and nevermind the fact that standing still is impossible for them   But she's still cute and I still love her   I got 2 adorable winter outfits for her, which *sniff sniff* is coming way way too fast!


  • This is for Rainee....she's having a hard couple days.  And I want her to know that everybody is important on Xanga and we'd all miss her greatly if she we're to leave.

     

    The color of friendship

    Once upon a time
    the colors of the world started to quarrel.
    All claimed that they were the best;
    the most important,
    the most useful,
    the favorite

    GREEN said:
    "Clearly I am the most important. I am the sign of life and of hope.
    I was chosen for grass, trees and leaves. Without me, all animals would die.
    Look over the countryside and you will see that I am in the majority."

    BLUE interrupted:
    "You only think about the earth, but consider the sky and the sea.
    It is the water that is the basis of life and drawn up by the clouds from the deep sea.
    The sky gives space and peace and serenity.
    Without my peace, you would all be nothing."

    YELLOW chuckled:
    "You are all so serious. I bring laughter, gaiety, and warmth into the
    world. The sun is yellow, the moon is yellow, the stars are yellow.
    Every time you look at a sunflower, the whole world starts to smile.
    Without me there would be no fun."

    ORANGE started next to blow her trumpet:
    "I am the color of health and strength. I may be scarce, but I am
    precious for I serve the needs of human life. I carry the most important
    vitamins. Think of carrots, pumpkins, oranges, mangoes, and papayas. I
    don't hang around all the time, but when I fill the sky at sunrise or
    sunset, my beauty is so striking that no one gives another thought to
    any of you."

    RED could stand it no longer, he shouted out:
    "I am the ruler of all of you. I am blood - life's blood! I bring fire into
    the blood. I am willing to fight for a cause.
    I am the color of danger and of bravery.
    Without me, the earth would be as empty as the moon.
    I am the color of passion and of love, the red rose, the poinsettia and the poppy."

    PURPLE rose up to his full height:
    He was very tall and spoke with great pomp: "I am the color of royalty
    and power. Kings, chiefs, and bishops have always chosen me, for I am
    the sign of authority and wisdom. People do not question me! They listen and obey."

    Finally INDIGO spoke,
    much more quietly than all the others,
    but with just as much determination: "Think of me. I am the color of silence.
    You hardly notice me, but without me you all become superficial. I represent
    thought and reflection, twilight and deep water. You need me for balance
    and contrast, for prayer and inner peace."

    So the colors went on boasting,
    each convinced of his or her own superiority.
    Their quarreling became louder and louder.
    Suddenly there was a startling flash of bright lightening.

    Thunder rolled and boomed. Rain started to pour down relentlessly.
    The colors crouched down in fear, drawing close to one another for comfort.
    In the midst of the clamor, rain began to speak: "You foolish colors,
    fighting amongst yourselves, each trying to dominate the rest.

    Don't you know that you were each made for a special purpose, unique and different?
    Join hands with one another and come to me."
    Doing as they were told, the colors united and joined hands.

    The rain continued:
    "From now on, when it rains, each of you will stretch across
    the sky in a great bow of color as a reminder that you can all live in peace.
    The Rainbow is a sign of hope for tomorrow."
    And so, whenever a good rain washes the world,
    and a Rainbow appears in the sky,
    let us remember to appreciate one another.

  • Isaiah66:13I will comfort you there as a child is comforted by its mother."


    12 years ago God promised me Rob and I would get married.  And then I proceeded to wait for 10 years.  My faith was so weak God.  I questioned, and reminded.  And lost sight of it so  many times.


    But in your perfect timing you provided.  I played the why game last night.  Why did you make me wait so long for us to get married.  And I had the worlds most awesome answer.  If Rob and I had married right after I graduated--like I thought was right and perfect.  We'd probably have 4 "so-called perfect (gag gag) white babies"  and our family would be complete. 


    But instead.  I got lonesome and you laid it on my heart to adopt Samuel and Zeria.  There were many up hill challenges in that.  Finances, and unfinished house, and delivering newspapers with babies in the car.  It was a hard hard time.  And so stressful.  But I'd never give up my babies and take away that time.  And if I hadn't been single I probably wouldn't have considered adopting.


    So I finally have my answer to WHY.  Thank you.  How many times do I ask why.  Why do I hurt, Why did I meet so & so and they hurt me.  Why can't I help so & so.  Why is so & so struggling so much.  I don't have those answers.  But you do. Thank you.  And thank you for the comfort.  Thank you for my husband and my family.  Though so many people say I did it backwards.  I know I did it the way you wanted.  My kids, then my husband, and now Kaylin.


    I've started asking why again a bit, cause I so desperately want another baby.  But then I stop and think how tired I get.  And how tired the pregnancy would make me. And I remember "I have learned whatsoever state I am in therewith to be content." (sorry no reference its memorized--if anybody wants one I'll find it.) 


    So I'll look longingly after another baby.  And enjoy the ones I have.  And when the time comes God will give me another one.


    Either Zeri & Sam's younger brother---who I would take in my arms today if I could.  (Please God keep him safe)  Or one from my womb.  It really doesn't matter.  Comfort, contendeness. Thank you.