August 17, 2001

• This entry will be personal...and I hope you can bear with me as I sort out my emotions.

  
  

  I'm so eager to get James.  This is how I will refer to my kids brother.  I want him so badly.

  
  

  And yet a part of me is so ANGRY. I'm P.O'd that I couldn't get him when he was fresh and clean a newborn.  Instead if cps has their way it will probably be at the very least 3 more months of redtape.  He may already be walking for crying out loud.

  
  

  Instead of letting me have him, somebody else is watching his first smile, his first crawl, his first clapping of hands. 

  
  

  Instead of him being in my womb he was in somebody elses.  Somebody who didn't care.  Somebody who didn't rejoice in each new movement. The first hiccoughs inside your womb.  I didn't get those.  She did, and she chose to walk away from him.  How terrible of a person can you be???

  
  

  A long time ago or so it seems to me I made the announcement I would not be adopting anymore, because their was too much heart-break, too many tears.  Too much fear of the unknown.  And God convicted me of not trusting him, and not letting him work.  I was so freed when I realized that was what the problem was.

  
  

  I told God your will be done.  And exactly one week later I received a call saying James was born.  A newborn I said with a sigh...still in the throes of enjoying my 8 month old.  I wanted this one too...I wanted him sooooo badly!  But cps in their infinite stupidity decided a woman who had deliberately abandoned one at a time 8 babies had the "RIGHT" to try to raise another one.

  
  

  I told them it wasn't gonna work.  They said she's doing so well.  I told them the Judge ordered that she never be allowed to raise another child.  They said, Judges aren't allowed to make those kind of orders.  I think in my head---who do you think you are god?  to defy a court order.  But I could say nothing.

  
  

  My husband and I prayed, and decided to get our paperwork in order so that when not if he was abandoned he could come straight to us.  Our caseworker called down their to tell them that.  She called us and said oh your wasting your money, don't bother.  The mom is doing SOO well and SHE"S SOOOOo wonderful bla-bla-bla-bla. 

  
  

  So we went against our better judgment and didn't do the paperwork.  If we had done it...we could have James within the next month.

  
  

  Instead we have to just begin it.  And while we go take Tb tests, and Aids tests, and fill out Criminal Background checks, and wait for some mousey little government aide to decide to check our paperwork...this baby sits in a foster home.

  
  

  Is it a good foster home...a bad one??  Is he safe??  I'm missing so much.   I want him NOW.  Why didn't I listen to myself and my husband and spend the money that seemed so risky.  We could have had him sooner.

  
  

  Why doesn't God allow me to love them when their fresh?

  
  

  Because, it takes a stronger person to love them when their hurting.  To walk with them for hours as they scream that a stranger is holding them.  To take the stares people give me when they see my rainbow family.  And the oh my dear I have no idea how you do it kinda comments. 

  
  

  I dreamed of going to the MIssion field.  And working in some hidden tribe.  Saving them all (of course)  And coming back a hero.

  
  

  Instead my Father, my God has called me to love what somebody else abandoned.  And I will, I will LOVE HIM with all my heart.  But why can't I start now.

  
  

  As I reminded myself a few blogs back. God's timing.  Thats all...God's timing.  I don't understand it...I want to scream at it.  But I know that God brought Rob to me in the worlds BEST timing, and I would have never appreciate him so much if he'd come sooner or later.

  
  

  God you are in control.  You placed Zeria and Samuel in a awesome foster home.  you can do this for James. Please, oh please keep him safe.  Cut the red tape.  Cause miracles.  And let us get him in your timing.  Your plan.  And please God, let me trust you, and rejoice in you, instead of giving into the anger and the hurt.  Let me be a witness, not a detriment.

  
  

  In your sons name.  Amen

  • 7:36 pm
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